Herb Albert

The album he's looking for is Rise, by Herb Albert.

Not Herb Alpert, the patron says. That's a completely different musician. He's certain.

Later that Day

Older Man: I need to see today's local paper.
Younger Man: So do I.
Me: Good thing we have two copies. Here you go.
Older Man: (Thumbing through the classifieds) Need to find someone to mow my lawn.
Younger Man: You need someone to mow your lawn? I can do that.

They're sitting and talking it over now.

I kick a guy out of the library. He had been wandering around aimlessly for a full hour, stopping only to chat up women, who were trying to ignore him.

I finally noticed him after Librarian J pointed him out. He talked to a young woman and walked away. I went up to her and asked her if she knew him. "No."

Well, let us know if he's bothering you, I tell her. The woman on the computer beside her says "Count me in, too!"

Five minutes later I'm kicking him out.. A woman nearby said "Finally!" A couple of others were visibly pleased he was going.

What gets me is why didn't anyone complain before? I'd have happily tossed the asshole out the door an hour ago if I had known ...

In the Afternoon:

State map.
The executioner's song, by Norman Mailer.
Fax number.
Bathroom?
Computer reservation issue.
"Is Librarian M there?"
Angeles Y Demonios, by Dan Brown.
She wants the fax number again. Bad cell phone connection.
Printer advice.
Notarization.
Mary Mary, by James Patterson.
I am ordered off the desk.
I return an hour later.
Contact information for Founders Insurance.
No cell phones, kid.
Computer class information.
"Key to the bathroom?"
GED books, especially algebra.
I explain the way the travel books are arranged, twice.
Final destination 3 and ATL.
Illinois rules of the road.
Where are our ebooks? Do you still rent computer games? How can you search different libraries?
Shut up, kids.
Two little girls in blue, by Mary Higgins Clark, S is for silence, by Sue Grafton, and anything by Zane, and ... and ...
Ingles sin barreras.
The bible on audiocassette.
Where's my replacement?
A patron tells me quite strongly that I should read the works of Tove Jansson.
Fax.
"I need more time on the computer. I'm looking for a job."
Videos about angels.
A confusing question about e-mail.
Click on that globe icon right there, ma'am.
Finally, my replacement.

In the Afternoon:

You parked in the wrong parking garage, ma'am. We can't validate your ticket.
Restrooms are over there, ma'am.
Intense demographic information for a small town not near here. "It's in the 'Fact Book.'"
How to get here. The voice over the phone is so loud you can hear it half a room away.
Local immigration office.
Why can't he get longer than a one-day loan period for this item? We're confused, too.
You get library cards over there, ma'am.
If a lady answers the phone and says "Good afternoon, So-and-So Law Firm," I don't think we dialed their fax number.
"I want books about mystery, love and death." Don't we all?
1984 Chevrolet Camaro repair manual.
You get library cards over there, ma'am.
Resumes.
You can just take the microfilm you want from the drawers yourself, sir.
Divorcing.
"How many books can I check out at once?"
Scratch paper's over there, ma'am.
Another library calls about an ILL problem.
ASVAB books.
Behold a pale horse, by Milton William Cooper.
Citizenship classes.
He printed someone else's document. I think he expects a refund.
More printer advice.
I sign in a visitor to an internet terminal.
They'll break a dollar over there.
The patron donates a mistakenly-printed coupon for Aquafina Sparkling and donates it to us.
The color purple, on DVD.
I sign in a visitor to an internet terminal.
Adobe Acrobat's upgrade bot nearly crashes another computer.
Computer reservation problem.
Computer reset.
Yes, sir, we have magazine article databases.
He wants to identify his pet spider.
Shut up, kids.
"Books on calories and carbohydrates."
Librarian Y gets endless questions about the availability of Dragonball Z, volume by volume.

In the Afternoon:

Bathroom's over there, ma'am.
The mis-education of the Negro, by Carter Godwin Woodson.
Ingles sin barreras.
2002 high school yearbook.
I explain the internet reservation system.
Bathroom's over there, ma'am.
"Did An incovenient truth come from a book?"
"I have a lot of questions. I'll start with: Where's the bathroom?"
The man returns. "I need books on divorce, music, and construction, and do you have a copy machine?"
A perfect union, by Catherine Allgor.
I show the man the music books again.
Sorry, ma'am. You can't use my phone. Try the receptionist.
Dictionary.
The Da Vinci code, in Spanish.
I explain the internet reservation system, and the patron seems to doze off.
Printer advice.
His mouse and keyboard are dead.
Ingles sin barreras.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Martin Luther King and Malcolm X.
There follows an hour or so where I could not keep up with all the questions, partly because I was training the new guy at the same time. Stuff about Slovenia, plat maps, etc.
Printer advice.
The reservation slip printer jams up.
You can't use that kid's card on these computers, sir.
Talk to the circ clerks, kid.
Printer advice.
Computer reservation advice.
Incorporation history for a Florida company.
Computer reservation advice.
Printer advice.
Mountains beyond mountains, by Tracy Kidder.
"Is the New York Times a newspaper or magazine?"
Crusader, by Sara Douglass.
"The dating movie."
I fail to figure out how to reset the color copier.
Bus schedules.
I'm so glad that shift is over!
Librarian Y gets a patron who wants an "Uno Yonk" library card, which is good at any library in the country and only costs $10. When Librarian Y asks where she heard about it she is told "It was written in democracy."

"Brent Ellis?" Hmm, sorry.
(patron returns) "Eastern Ellis?"
At which point I figure it out.

Every small child who's come in tonight has spent at least part of their time crying loudly.