In the Afternoon:

"One's a paperback, the other's about the Holocaust."
You get a library card over there, sir.
They'll look up your card number over there, sir.
Whether we should mail or fax a test we proctored.
Internet signup with a guest pass.
They'll tell you what's wrong with your account over there, ma'am.
Where can she buy Microsoft Word?
Internet guest pass.
You can get a card over there, sir.
You use your library card to sign up for the Internet, sir.
Just type your last name, ma'am.
King James bible tapes.
His keyboard won't work.
His webpage won't load.
Know thyself, by Na'im Akbar.
The copier is twenty cents, ma'am.
From his terminal he shouts at me to come over.
All the good user IDs are taken, ma'am.
We try to figure out how to display an online bill.
A 2005 volume of Scott's.
He wants to request fifteen ILLs over the phone.
The bathroom's over there, sir.
Music and lyrics to This land is your land.
A request for recorded Christmas music becomes a request for Thank you very much.
Printer advice.

In the Evening:

I come to the desk and immediately two patrons start running.
Vols 2 and 3 of Gunslinger girl.
No charge for music any more, sir (The man pumps his fists and heads for the CDs).
Who played the Huey Long character in All the king's men?
A circ clerk wants to know where her Interlibrary Loan is.
Terrific thunder outside.
How to put money on your debit card.
The latest Guinness world records.
Her file won't open.
Pregnancy books in Spanish.
I'm afraid those streets don't meet, sir. They run parallel.
The marine meets his match, by Cathie Linz.
Vertical limit.
The doors here have all gone squeaky at once.
Why can't he log in to a public terminal?
Sorry ma'am, we don't have an index to the local paper.
Music producing.
They'll renew your card over there, sir.
How to print.
A complaint about all the kids.
How to reserve a computer.
Beat it, kids.
The kid section is downstairs, sir.
How to print.
How to print.
Bathroom's over there, kid.
Scram, kids.
Printer advice.
More damn kids.
"Is so-and-so here?"
Don't run!
Printer advice.
What's on the Mexican flag, in Spanish.
"Fiction about love."
I burned out an hour ago, and there's fifteen minutes left ...

In the Afternoon
The art of war, by Sun Tzu, The prince, by Machiavelli, and Behold a pale horse, by William Cooper.
The diary of Anne Frank (Oh, this is ridiculous. Do I really need to put links on books like this and "The prince?" I don't think so! Everyone is aware of those books!).
Landlord/tenant forms.
They'll renew your card over there, kid.
A newspaper is returned.
Don't run!
The Illinois circuit breaker form.
Event signup.
Toys.
Today's paper.
How to reserve one of our computers.
They'll look up your number over there.
I instruct a number of patrons on making a computer reservation, printing, using a thumb drive, etc.
Another reservation screwup.
And more reservation instruction.
Did I mention today's the first day of school?
"She needs your help over there."
"We've been in two hundred libraries around the country, and this computer signup system is the most complicated I've ever seen!" I suspect he may be right.
Books on improving memory.
Someone will take your picture in a moment, ma'am.
It finally quiets down.
Librarian Y discuss the merits of outsourcing library administration.
An loud argument in circ over library fines ends up well.
Printer advice.
I hope the rest of the semester isn't like this ...

Herb Albert

The album he's looking for is Rise, by Herb Albert.

Not Herb Alpert, the patron says. That's a completely different musician. He's certain.

Later that Day

Older Man: I need to see today's local paper.
Younger Man: So do I.
Me: Good thing we have two copies. Here you go.
Older Man: (Thumbing through the classifieds) Need to find someone to mow my lawn.
Younger Man: You need someone to mow your lawn? I can do that.

They're sitting and talking it over now.

I kick a guy out of the library. He had been wandering around aimlessly for a full hour, stopping only to chat up women, who were trying to ignore him.

I finally noticed him after Librarian J pointed him out. He talked to a young woman and walked away. I went up to her and asked her if she knew him. "No."

Well, let us know if he's bothering you, I tell her. The woman on the computer beside her says "Count me in, too!"

Five minutes later I'm kicking him out.. A woman nearby said "Finally!" A couple of others were visibly pleased he was going.

What gets me is why didn't anyone complain before? I'd have happily tossed the asshole out the door an hour ago if I had known ...

In the Afternoon:

State map.
The executioner's song, by Norman Mailer.
Fax number.
Bathroom?
Computer reservation issue.
"Is Librarian M there?"
Angeles Y Demonios, by Dan Brown.
She wants the fax number again. Bad cell phone connection.
Printer advice.
Notarization.
Mary Mary, by James Patterson.
I am ordered off the desk.
I return an hour later.
Contact information for Founders Insurance.
No cell phones, kid.
Computer class information.
"Key to the bathroom?"
GED books, especially algebra.
I explain the way the travel books are arranged, twice.
Final destination 3 and ATL.
Illinois rules of the road.
Where are our ebooks? Do you still rent computer games? How can you search different libraries?
Shut up, kids.
Two little girls in blue, by Mary Higgins Clark, S is for silence, by Sue Grafton, and anything by Zane, and ... and ...
Ingles sin barreras.
The bible on audiocassette.
Where's my replacement?
A patron tells me quite strongly that I should read the works of Tove Jansson.
Fax.
"I need more time on the computer. I'm looking for a job."
Videos about angels.
A confusing question about e-mail.
Click on that globe icon right there, ma'am.
Finally, my replacement.