Starting January 2 we will no longer sign up people for Internet terminals. In honor of this I will for the last time include the signups with the rest of the events.

In the Morning

Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Living history, by Hilary Rodham Clinton.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup. "This is all kind of new to me."
Click on the grey bar, ma'am. No, use the mouse and click on the grey bar ... Move the curser to the bar and click ... Use the left mouse button ... Try not to nudge the mouse while you're clicking ... don't keep the button pressed down ...
"What time do you close?"
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Lost ID.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
The spelling of "segue."
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Today's paper.
Looking for her ID, she dumps every item she's carrying on the desk.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Busted keyboard? No, the number lock was off.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Click on "Proceed to checkout" ma'am.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Computer workshop schedule.
The spelling of "exists."
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
He's lost his gloves.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Books on writing poetry.
Internet signup.
His browser is cutting off text.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Internet signup.
Change at the front desk, ma'am.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Monday and Tuesday papers.
Internet signup.
Printer advice.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Tax assistance info.
Happy New Year, I think.

In the Morning:

Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Catalog reboot.
Pit bull, by Martin "Buzzy" Schwartz.
Don't run! And don't eat!
Tax forms.
A letter to the editor. "I don't believe my friend could be that inflammatory." She is.
Pencil.
Don't eat! And don't run! (same patron).
No cell phones, sir.
Donald Goines books.

In the Afternoon:

Force heretic I, by Sean Williams.
"How long we have to put quarters in the meters?"
Biographies and Virginia Woolf.
EE bond interest rate in 1996.
Power company phone.
The glass menagerie, by Tennessee Williams.
Another library's phone.
The ultimate weight solution, by Phil McGraw.
Dictionary.
Fiction is over there, ma'am.
Stapler.
Today's paper and yesterday's.
Paper jam.
"Spanish language, mainly the alphabet."
Today's paper.
Men's room?
A nice old lady wants to design web pages.
Can I help you? "Just looking."
The latest James Patterson novel.
Watercolors. Lordy, what breath.
Diabetic cookbooks.
Goodbye, good men, by Michael S. Rose.
Pregnancy books.
Stapler again.
Pencil.
Today's paper.
Don't run!
Pregnancy books.
Articles on european unification.
Great expectations, by Charles Dickens, and Silence, by Nancy Holder.

Internet Signups: 39

In the Afternoon

City directories going back to the 1930s, in 5-year intervals.
Computer workshop schedule.
Pen. We're out.
Tax forms.
Sunday paper.
Don't run!
Bible.
Illustrations of camels. "I want to get a head start on next year. I nearly got the manger laid out. We gotta get back to the true meaning of Christmas."
More city directories.
"I know three girls there are on your computers looking at Playboy, and it's disgusting. I'm coming in to take care of business."
The time.
Still more city directories, and a topographical map. If the patron wasn't so cute I'd be annoyed.
Grizzly, starring Christopher George.
Career tests.
WPs? Over there.
Books by the Pope.
Yellow pages.
"Is (a patron) there?"
Local shelter. A second homeless guy helps us find it.
Miniature houses.
How to make pottery.
"Any chance you getting the paper card catalogs back anytime soon?"
Audrey Hepburn.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown, Big bad wolf, by James Patterson, and Is Paris burning? by Larry Collins.
More city directories, for a different patron.
Microfilm.
Pencils.
How to turn on the microfilm reader.
Missing floppy.
CLEP exams for microeconomics.
Spanish instruction CDs.
Tax forms.
Stapler.
How to reset the microfilm reader.

In the Evening:

You're too young to use the Internet up here, kid.
Catalog reboot.
Vikki Vanishes, by Peni R. Griffin.
The Oakland Athletics team roster.
Coming of age in Mississippi, by Anne Moody, and Go tell it on the mountain, by James Baldwin.
Two giggling teen girls want "physical education" (i.e. sex) books.
A calm teen girl wants witchcraft books, including Wicca covens, by Judy Harrow.
Conde nast traveller magazine.
Don't run!
And shut up!
River god, by Wilbur Smith.
Email addresses for Herbie Hancock, Bill Cosby, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison, and Men at Work.
Pencil.
The microfilm machine ate five dimes.
Soulmates Dissipate, by Mary B. Morrison.
Catapults and siege warfare.
He needs more Anne McCaffrey.

Internet Signups: 18

In the Morning:

Today's paper.
Gulag: a history, by Anne Applebaum.
Scratch paper.
"I need an email source."
Microfilm printer problems.
Directions.
1996 GMC Sierra repair manual.
Loretta Lynn: coal miner's daughter, by Loretta Lynn and George Vecsey.
He can't find the underscore on his keyboard.
Printer advice.
Tape.
There's a bug in my coffee. I discover this the hard way.
ILL status.
Pen.
The silent passage: Menopause, by Gail Sheehy.
Tape again.
Books by Benjamin Graham.
"Where's the website for financial aid?"
"How do I look for jobs?"
"Do you have newspaper and magazine articles about child abuse?"
Computer class schedules in spanish.

In the Afternoon:

How to send an attachment.
DUI law.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
A long list of authors scribbled on a tattered paper napkin.
Paper clip.
Grant directories.
How to build a Game Boy.
Shut up, kids.
Newspaper archives online.
A schoolteacher in old Alaska, by Hannah Breece, and 1000 places to see before you die, by Patricia Schultz.
Creole cookbooks.

Internet Signups: 18

In the Morning:

What's at that address?
Map reading.
Can I help you? "No."
Techie X says a man is doing something sneaky on one Internet terminal, but we can't figure out what.
"Tax forms out yet?"
A man wants to catch up with the Wheel of time series.
They accidently bring up a porn webpage. They think it's so funny they show it to everyone.
A law office has moved.
How to get to Yahoo when there's a .pdf file on is screen.
"I'm an idiot when it comes to computers."

In the Afternoon:

Today's paper.
Any book by Zane.
Horse racing.
The tao of Pooh, by Benjamin Hoff.
Floppies at the front desk, sir.
Alice Walker.
"Can I do public service there?"
A video from India I can't locate.
Dictionary. When I use "sir" I at least try to make it sound respectful ...
Yellow pages.
Coin books.
That's okay, sir. I'll shelve them for you. You're obviously deranged or on drugs (I didn't really say that).
Today's paper.
Bridget Jones' diary, by Helen Fielding.
Happy holidays. See you (argh) Saturday.

Internet Signups: 18

In the Afternoon:
Fiction?
Any working copiers?
Pictures of penguins.
Where are the YA books?
The spelling of Buddha.
Any working copiers?
"Everybody's so busy reading ..."
"Do you offer any classes besides computers?"
Today's paper.

In the Evening:

Working copier?
The argument over a damaged book has gone on for over twenty minutes.
Resume books.
Criss-cross.
A man sneakily looks at porn on the internet.
A woman gets too wacky with the "Undo" function. I manage to fix it.
Map of Nevada.
Fan information for The Boxtops.
His ILL hasn't arrived yet.
It's past closing. A woman on a WP is shouting at the poor Internet signup girl because she won't help edit her document.

Internet Signups: 11

In the Morning:

Copier advice.
Poetry books.
Blow fly, by Patricia Cornwell.
Put away your stupid cell phone.
Tip for library students: When a patron asks for a particular yearbook, also bring them the years before and after. Trust me.
You can buy a floppy at the front desk, sir.
Stapler.
"Is Techie Y there?"
Today's paper.
Bird guides.
The big bad wolf, by James Patterson.
State employment office.
Article in an old newspaper, maybe on a monday ...
Printer advice.

In the Afternoon:

Printer advice
Immigration forms.
"Oh, just got out of jail. Everything good with you?"
We'll reshelve that for you, ma'am.
Today's paper.
"Is Librarian Q there?"
County courthouse phone.
Excercise, "especially the belly."
Sorry ma'am, I can't tell you who's on the Internet.
Car repair.
The man is fascinated by his problems with the copier and tells everyone at length.
Southwestern design.
Today's paper.
Today's paper.
"Merry Christmas." Sure, why the hell not?
Yes, you can use a computer, but we're about to close.
Printer advice.

Internet Signups: 21

In the Morning:

Librarian Y gives me copier advice.
Stapler.
Old newspapers to give away?
Local map.
Today's paper.
Our pencil sharpener is busted.
Printer advice.
Another patron gives me sad doe eyes when I won't help her format her document.
Father holds baby. Baby smiles. Mother holds baby. Baby screams.
Today's paper.
Local history books.

In the Afternoon:

Bureau of Indian Affairs number. "Oh, never mind, I found it."
ILL loan extension.
Criss Cross.
Someone's stuck in the elevator, just ringing that bell ...
My computer crashes.
Why do clocks run clockwise? by David Feldman.
The glass managerie, by Tennessee Williams.
They're kid's books, so I can get rid of the caller by transferring her.
Librarian Y and I team up and answer a question with great efficiency because the patron is loud and annoying.
Property tax posting.
"I'm looking for information on my ancestors, aunts, great aunts and everything, and how they fit together, and I don't know anything about using a computer. No, I'm not from this town."
WPs are over there, ma'am.

Internet Signups: 30

In the Morning:

Chaka! Through the fire, by Chaka Khan.
WPs are over there.
Computer crash.
"Penmanship, handwriting and calligraphy."
Reboot.
Pencil.
Bullets in an Excel document.
Computer crash.
AOL doesn't seem to want his business.
"Atlas, a big book of cultures." He wanted an almanac.
"Books for sale?"
Reboot.
Today's paper.
Masterplots.
Today's paper.
Computer crash.
Some more reboots.
Mexico activity workbook.
Stapler.
Try switching machines, sir.
Yet another computer crash.

Internet Signups: 29

In the Morning:

Stapler.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Pencil.
Microfilm reader advice (Turn that knob the other way, sir).
Printer advice.
WPs are over there, sir.
Phone book.
Beauty salon phone.
Reboot.
Vehicle emissions testing station phone.
Eric Jerome Dickey books, and Kiss the girls, by James Patterson.
Audiobook policy question.

In the Afternoon:

Whole bunch of articles to ILL. She's coughing all over the forms.
Local power company phone.
Techie Y, a computer genius, stops by to pick up an "Out of Order" sign. That can't be good.
Password problem.
A speech delivered "after they bombed the tiny town of London for sixty straight days." He then tells Librarian Q she looks like Winston Churchill.
Science of whirlpools.
"A book by Masquesz. I think that's how it's spelled."
"Werewolves, the psychological aspect."
WPs are over there, ma'am.
"Let me go!" shouts the child.
She forgot to write down the book's bib info while she was here.
There are kids stuck in the elevator.

Internet Signups: 36

In the Afternoon:

Australopithecus boisei.
Sunday's paper.
WPs are over there, sir.
They try to kill a porn site and two more take its place.
Try switching machines, ma'am.
I debug a password problem.
Alone on the desk, and the patron has never used a mouse before and wants info on trucks, "what you can do with them."
Pencil.
We no longer carry that database, sir.
What's that default screen doing there?
"What aisle's the poems?"
Pencil.
Hemingway books.
She insists it's the "Small Business Association," and wanders off empty handed.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Copier not working ... whoops, yes it is.
Criss-cross.
Printer advice.
Leyes eternas, by Carlos Cuauhtemoc Sanchez.
"My computer froze."
Swamp thing on DVD.
Computer crash or three.
Meanwhile that child just keeps hacking up phlegm.

In the Evening:

Eddings and Poe.
Periodic table.
Stairs are over there, sir.
Arrogance, by Bernard Goldberg, and Journalistic fraud, by Bob Kohn.
The color of water, by James McBride.
Donald Goines books.
Copier advice.
Printer advice.
Out of the stacks, kids.
1978-79 yearbook.
Sue Johanson.
1977-78 yearbook.
A whole new world, on cd, but they must have an instrumental version.
Paper jam.
Sorry sir, I can't extend a loan on an ILL.
Don't run!
Postage meter?
Today's paper.
Books on The Flash. He settles for JLA books.
Marathon running.
Horse books in spanish.
Pro wrestling books.
"What time to you close?" Right now.

Internet Signups: 62

In the Morning:

Librarian Y warns me about a woman at the copier.
A swarm of new patrons from the Philipines.
Christmas cookies.
A swarm of old patrons gets impatient while I help the new patrons. The three computer crashes didn't help.
In Hotmail, "Compose" now reads "New Message," confusing one patron.
1991 Honda Accord repair manual.
Ours is the "most complete library" he's ever been in.
Copier advice.
A brusque, twelve foot tall man orders me to find him law books, but at least he doesn't threaten me.
I hear an internet patron say "Argh." I save the day.
Debit card machine is over there, sir.
1993 Chevrolet van repair manual.
Printer advice.
The woman at the copier, who has ignored all my advice and squandered over a dollar, wants her money back.
Screwy display settings.
Piano keyboard technique.
Old Mac books.
Ford engine overhaul.
Sorry, sir, no typewriter.
That woman is still on the copier. I warn Librarian X.

In the Afternoon:

MacWrite Pro books.
Notary forms.
Local charity phone.
1992 Chevy Cavalier repair manual, especially the cooling system.
"Monster books?"
I sneak away to rent DVDs for the weekend.
"Robot books?"
Today's paper.
Today's paper.
Sorry ma'am, we can't reserve study rooms in advance. Sure, I'll let you speak to the department head ...
Christmas in Belize.
There must be a Chicken Soup book for Christmas ...
A request for a Social Security form interrupts my discussion with Techie X about Sarah Michelle Gellar and Scooby Doo.
I make my own rules, by LL Cool J.
Today's paper.
Simpsons books.
Looking for her daughter ...

Internet Signups: 47

This Nanette person is absolutely right, but I'm going to keep this up anyway.

In the Morning:

He shoves a book in my hands. "This is yours."
Currency trading, and he won't shut up.
Don't run (3 times)!
She left a document in the copier last night ...
He's surprised I can't appraise a book for him.
1991 Toyota Camry repair manual.
Italian-english dictionaries.

In the Afternoon:

Gwendolyn Brooks.
"Carnival of dreams," but whether a book, cd, what, he doesn't know.
They jump up and down. "We want Devil books!" "Yeah! Devil books!"
Local phone book.
"Excuse me sir. I am told by the gentleman over there that you are the gods and gurus of information on my particular ..." Will you ask the damn question already?
You can plug in a laptop over there, ma'am.
Sorry sir, I haven't seen your bag of medication.
David Pelzer books in spanish.
Throwing Christmas parties.
How to recharge a debit card.
A patron thanks me. I forget what I did for her.
Today's paper.
Lit crit for We wear the mask, by Paul Laurence Dunbar.
Storm Warriors, by Elisa Carbone.
"Books on Excel, Access, Lotus, you know ..."
Short order cook, by Jim Daniels.
Don't run!
He actually wants an AOL startup disk.
Local directions.

Internet Signups: 31

In the Morning:

Librarian Z says "I'll try not to infect you."
Astrology.
Computer crash.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Click print, you moron! (I didn't really say that)
Jane Fonda's workout book.
Scrap paper.
Love, by Toni Morrison, on tape.
Computer crash.
An alarm clock in her bag goes off.
Printer advice.
How the mind works, by Steven Pinker.
My replacement hasn't shown up ...
Today's paper.

Internet Signups: 57

In the Morning:

Two notarizations.
Romantic era.
The bell jar, by Sylvia Plath.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
White pages.
He can't open up a word document. I open it easily. Sometimes computers are like that, sir.
Computer crash.
Local newspaper from November.
"I want to look for jobs on the Internet."
Wrong newspaper. I give him some others.
Pay phone.
He still can't find the article. I give him more papers.
Printer advice.
All those books should be in the kid's section, ma'am.
A webpage crashes two computers.
Printer advice.
How to get to the A: drive.
Local military base job listings.
Saturday's paper.

In the Afternoon:
Stapler. He nearly drops it on me.
Three-hole puncher.
Copier advice.
Dictionary.
Local charity phone.
Immigration forms.
They havent seen each other in ages! And they're so excited they're shouting!
Screenwriting books.
God's gift to women, by Michael Baisden.
Poetry for a wedding plaque.
A child called it, by David Pelzer.
Tooth care.
Computer workshop schedule.
Computer workshop schedule.
Study room.
Food Pyramid.
Copier advice.
Great Depression.
Pencil returned. The next patron asks for it.
More pencils requested.
and more dictionaries.
Today's paper.
Computer workshop schedule.
Info on english currency. I thought he said "english equivalency." This slows the interview down.
Today's papers are out, ma'am.
Copier advice.
"French Renaissance"
Monster of God, by David Quammen.
I know why the caged bird sings, by Maya Angelou

Internet Signups: 43

In the Afternoon:

WPs are over there, ma'am.
I won't solve a math question so the patron gets upset, which leads to threats and an expulsion.
WP help.
Art of war, by Sunzi.
The threat leaves me unnerved, and another librarian covers my shift.

In the Evening:

My computer crashes.
Study room?
Copier advice.
Kate Chopin.
Internet terminal reboot.
Books about Macbeth essays.
All right, kids, out of the stacks now!
The Profiles in Courage video with Frederick Douglass.
Macbeth Cliff's notes.
"Comics?" but he loses interest halfway to the shelves.
The Crusades from the muslim's point of view.
We're out of local college catalogs..
Local paper article from September.
I fix the microfilm machine by turning it on.
Nursing aide exam books.
"Strategic reading," which to him means books on writing.
Sorry ma'am, we can't check out your books here.
INS I-131 form.
Math books.
Don't run! They never listen ...
Stapler.
I tell them over and over that it's closing, and they won't get off the internet terminals ...

Internet Signups: 5

I thought today I would include the Internet signups along with the rest of the transactions:

In the Morning:

Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
"What is '96 tears?' Is it a book, what?"
Font size.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Being a notary doesn't mean I know what form you need.
No, I'm not in charge of cleaning service contracts, ma'am.
I don't know where your book club book is.
All i really need to know I learned in kindergarten, by Robert Fulghum.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Computer crash.
Copier advice.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Copier advice.
Yes, you can access YahooMail here, ma'am.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
"You have forms to break a lease?"
GED.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
"Restroom?"
Ingles para latinos: segundo nivel, by William C. Harvey.
WPs are over there, sir.
This patron was born for Homosexuality: opposing viewpoints.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Computer workshop schedule.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Copier advice.
Bathroom.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Computer crash.
Computer crash.
Zip code.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Two notarizations.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
She got into the BIOS. Not bad.
Internet signup.
Catalog advice.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Today's paper.

In the Afternoon:

Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Librarian Y wants an owl.
Internet signup.
If I don't stop her she'll describe each of her old collectables to me one by one.
He's holding a program here Sunday and wants to know how many have signed up. Zero.
Internet signup.
The book of shadows, by James Reese.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Computer workshops in spanish.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
A bank's interest rate.
I reset an internet terminal.
I reset it again.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
Everything's crashing. And Techie Y is suddenly missing!
Sorry sir, no internet right now.
Sorry sir, no internet right now.
Sunday's paper.
Sorry sir, no internet right now.
Sorry ma'am, no internet right now.
Sorry sir, no internet right now.
Sorry sir, no internet right now.
Sorry ma'am, no internet right now.
Today's paper.
Techie X appears and wonders what's going on. But the problem might be over.
Internet signup.
We close at six, ma'am.
Internet workshop information (We don't have a schedule for January yet. Not for January, no sir. No, sir, no schedule yet ...)
Internet signup.
Today's paper.
Internet signup.
Internet signup.
How a bill becomes a law ... in spanish.
Paper clip.
Sorry sir, we don't have that newspaper for August (Everything I tell him makes him stare in disbelief).
Constellation books.
Stapler.
English-spanish dictionaries.
We close in fifteen minutes, ma'am.
It would be an internet signup, but we're about to close. "Dang!"
Today's paper.
Durango, Mexico.

Internet Signups: You count 'em. I'm outta here.

In the Afternoon:

Butter.
I am told that I am not scheduled on desk.

In the Evening:

Pen.
How much snow we're going to get.
"The printer is copying out sideways."
Immigration law.
Marijuana books.
I don't think the study room will fit all eight of you.
The patron is disappointed because the newspaper article about his arrest doesn't have his picture.
"A dictionary of old english words." Actually they just need help with a Tennyson poem.
Large print Bible.
AV calls. A woman needs music she could "act out," or just listen to. I'm not sure what she wants, and I hope she doesn't come to this desk (She doesn't).
I like a slow shift.

Internet Signups: 3

In the Morning:

"Books on religion."
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Eragon, by Christopher Paolini.
My computer crashes.
The Devil wears prada, by Lauren Weisberger.
My computer crashes.
Local history.
Man's search for ultimate meaning, by Viktor Frankl.
My computer crashes.
1989 Ford F-450 Super Duty truck repair manual.
My computer crashes again.

In the Afternoon:

Printer advice.
Copy machine's over there, ma'am. Change at the front desk.
Lilian Jackson Braun books on tape.
Stapler.
Sexual perversity in Chicago, by David Mamet. To my shock Ottemiller's comes up empty.
Today's paper.
"I need a newspaper." Which one? What date? They stare blankly at me.
Sorry, sir. Today's paper is out.
CDs by Tatu.
Computer workshop question, followed by another.
And a third.
Bathroom?
Study room.
Today's paper.
"You used to have the newspapers over there ...?" They still are.
WPs are over there, sir.
Some patrons try too hard to be friendly and come off as annoying.
Home schooling.
Holds at the front desk, sir.
The great Gilly Hopkins, by Katherine Paterson.

Internet Signups: 10

In the Afternoon:

Valueline.
Divorce records in Ohio.
Catholic directory.
Yes, ma'am, we have outlets for laptops.
Valueline. Not that one, the other one.
Three notarizations.
Copier advice.
"How are you today?" Then she pauses and actually expect you to answer.
Sanctuary, by Faye Kellerman.
Who's looking out for you, by Bill O'Reilly.
Old newspapers.
"This is So-And-So. How are you?" and another pause. People sure care about my health today. Maybe it's the holiday season.
Dictionary of occupational titles.
Sorry, ma'am, you can't check out newspapers.
More old newspapers.
Copier advice.
2002 1040.

In the Evening:

Stapler.
Copier advice.
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
Pencil.
A man makes some copies and sighs to himself. "Not nice."
Wisconsin phone books ... Actually he just needed the address of one lodge.
"Divorce books with forms?
"What's going on in the meeting room?"
The receptionist transfers a hard question to us: "What time you close today?"
Notarization.
Today's paper.
"The middle colonies."
Henry Ford.
You're too young to use the computers up here, kid.
"The history of WWII ... and books on building a house ... and spanish-english dictionaries."
Copier advice.
Paperback fiction is over here, sir.
A microfilm reader goes kerflooey. There's film all over the carpet.
The reverse of the medal, and The far side of the world, by Patrick O'Brian.
Microfilm printer jam.
Address for two radio stations.
Washroom.
Low Riders.
Hairstyling books.
AV room is downstairs, sir.
"How much is 50oz of fine silver nowadays?

Internet Signups: 14

In the Afternoon:

"Spanish section." I show her and she immediately asks for movies.
Yesterday's paper.
Sorry, no scanner.
"I need research on child care."
A time of our choosing, by Todd Purdum.
Classifieds.
Techie Y describes the cabinet he just built.
Home decorating.
Mirrouri compromise.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Computer crash.
Police brutality, not the Current controversies series, but the Opposing viewpoints series.
Today's paper, "to read while my wife is looking for books."
Computer workshop question.
Today's paper.
Starting your own business books.
Grouchy, loud man at the copier.
"A history of the ptarmigan bird."
Donald Goines books.
No one in circ feels like answering the phone.
Stapler.
Printer advice.
Stapler.
The grouchy loud man keeps asking Librarian W questions.
I don't think the newspaper index will cover those years, but I look anyway because the patron is cute.
Baby name books in spanish.
Thomas Jefferson in spanish.
Lots of noise from a study room.
ILL status.
ADD.
Copier advice.
Shakespeare.
Shut up already!
Books by Dr. Phil.
Kid books are downstairs.
Dictionary.
"Raising chickens ... and fish too."
"George Bush's speech." She never could figure out which one.
Whiteout.
Printer advice.
Law careers, and a copy of the Constitution.
Stapler.
Printer advice.
They'll sell you a floppy at the front desk, ma'am.

Internet Signups: 27 (We had help)

In the Morning:

Pen.
"Neck anatomy," and books by John McDougall.
Can I help you? "No."
Sorry sir, we dont' have an obit index for the seventies. Oh yes, we do for that year, but we don't have that issue of the paper available.
Microfilm machine lecture and demo.
Today's paper.
Library programs for Dec. and Jan.
Printer advice.
Notarization.
Copier advice.
Librarian W is on a break but should be back soon, ma'am.
Valueline.
Copier advice.
I lug out a bunch of yearbooks and city directories, knowing in my heart that they will not be the ones the patron needs.
Address, phone for state senators.
Another guy wants state senators.
Donald Goines books.
It sounds like you need a device driver, sir, but I don't know which one your laptop needs.
The catalog is right there, sir.
Today's paper.
Roman cathedrals.
A mysterious form needs to be downloaded.
Of mice and men, by John Steinbeck.
Betrothed, by Allesandro Manzoni.
"Did anyone nearby win the lottery on the 26th of this month?"
"I need two books on drugs and violence."
Copier advice.
Today's paper.
Don't run!

In the Afternoon:

Printer advice.
Copier advice (It needs money, sir).
Printer advice.
Newspaper.
I draw a blank on three books . But I do find The wedding, by Nicholas Sparks.
Comcast customer service number.
"Do you got a book called Astrology?"
Old almanacs? Sorry.
The restroom is over there, sir. He decides to tell me the joke about renting coffee.
Pen.
Newspaper.
We close at five, sir.
Computer workshop info.
Spell books. "You got one to make a person nicer?"
Sorry, ma'am, you can't check out newspapers.
"This place is dank," he says, and exits.
Valueline.
Stapler.
She picks them off a list: "Books on AIDS, alcoholism, and cancer."
1989 Ford Taurus repair manual.
White Christmas, by Jody Rosen.

Internet Signup: 31

In the Morning:

"Are you open tomorrow?" asks one of our homeless.
Baby name books in spanish.
Fathers' rights, by Jeffrey M. Leving.
Washroom?
Printer advice.
More printer advice for the same patron.
(Sigh) And still more. I learn that Chuck E. Cheese owes him money.
Printer advice for a different patron.
September newspapers.
English standard version bible.
A listing of people who have just moved here.
"Can I renew a book from another library here?"
He calls asking for a 2002 issue of Consumer reports issue for the second time.
In the lobby a baby is tortured, possibly in observance of Thanksgiving.

In the Afternoon:

I get threatened by three men when I tell them to keep it down. Happy Thanksgiving!
Newspapers from 2001.
Coin collecting.
Try the kid's section.
Printer advice.
Sorry, sir, all the internet machines are taken. Please stop whining.
Every second counts, by Lance Armstrong.
The kid is singing "Twinkle twinkle" loudly and incessantly. The mother is looking for tapes on anger management.
No sleeping in the library, sir.
I have your floppy right here, ma'am.
Kid's section is downstairs, sir.

Internet Signups: 47

In the Morning:

How to decorate fruit.
Love, by Toni Morrison.
Books by Paul Krugman.
Computer crash.
Computer workshop schedule..
"I just submitted an online form. Did I do it right?"
Public lecture signup.
Computer crash.
WPs are over there, sir.
Where to get a flu shot?
Only two can play this game, by James Keys.
"I understand that Marshall's offers scholarships."
Back issue of Muscle and fitness hers.
Computer crash
Local GED classes.
Computer crash.
Back issue of Consumer reports.
Yes, ma'am we have resume books. Yes, we have computers. Yes, we do have resume books. Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am. Stop talking, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Encyclopedia of foods, by David Murdock.
Creative resources for the anti-bias classroom, by Nadia Saderman Hall.
She has been waiting all day to be rude to someone, and I'm the lucky guy.

In the Afternoon:

Print server crash.
Starting your own business.
Sunday's paper.
Don't run!
HTML books. One of those clingy patrons.
Yes, ma'am we have that newspaper on microfilm. This led to a million other questions.
A lousy stinking salesman.
Printer advice.
Upcoming programs. I insist that they're all free. She insists that they cost $101.
Today's paper.
Has an ILL come in?
Optical illusions.
Dictionaries.
GED books and dictionaries.
Come in, kid, and we'll show you all sorts of stuff, but I can't do it over the phone.

Internet Signups: 45

In the Afternoon:

The phone request listed a woman's name, last known address, and social security number. I think we're supposed to find her.
"Got anything by William Blake?"
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
Screenplay format.
Phone number for the local megacorporation.
Today's paper.
Car price guides.
Indiana Department of Motor Vehicles.
Local naval base.
Flipped, by Wandelin Van Draanen.
Insurance fraud.

In the Evening:

His browser won't accept cookies.
Printer advice.
Dylan Thomas.
"Books on diffusion."
Blue screen of death.
Today's paper.
Montezuma.
Crum, by Lee Maynard.
Library cards at the front desk, sir.
Today's paper.
The raccoon next door, by Gary Bogue and Chuck Todd.
Behold a pale horse, by William Cooper, and books on egyptian mythology.
Who keeps taking the "Out of order" sign off the copier?

Internet Signups: 20

In the Morning:

"Moody's dividend manual"
Here's a catalog right here, sir.
Online citizenship exam.
Devil's canyon, by Ralph Compton.
"Does the Wall Street journal have a business section?"
Congressman's phone number.
Microfilm reader explanation.
Where's the big meeting? In the meeting room.
Today's paper.
Two paper jams.
Copier advice.
How to reply to an email.
Sunday's paper.
Yesterday, both copiers were being repaired. Today, they are both broken.
"English language encyclopedias."
"I'm finished with the paper!" She's taken each section from the pole and mixed the pages up.
1996 Hyundai Excel repair manual.
Night, by Elie Wiesel.
Computer crash.
Washroom?
"Where's the working copy machines?"
Texas rich, by Fern Michaels.

Internet Signups: 26

In the Morning:

Pen and paper.
Aw, your library card picture isn't so bad, ma'am.
"I have a question." Local history audiobooks on CD.
"I have another question." Local clubs that do line dancing.
"I have just one more question." Driving directions.
Microfilm reader explanation.
"I have one final question." Train schedules.
Books by James Herriott. Okay lady, I don't need more details on why you need them ... Lady? Lady ... lady ... For god's sakes say goodbye lady.
Darkness bound, by Larry Brooks.
Diabetes.
Computer crash.
Microfilm read advice.
That's not a copier, sir. It just looks like one.
New Spring, by Robert Jordan.
"Books about a famous person, by a well-known author."
Books on interviewing.
A former neighbor pops by to say hello.
Computer crash.

In the Afternoon:

Kid's section is downstairs, ma'am.
"I can't find Marilyn Monroe"
Librarian Y can't stop talking about food.
The dead zone, by Stephen King.
All the copiers are being repaired at once.
Don't run!
Copier advice.
I tell you again, sir, we can't get that book for you by tomorrow. No, sir, it's a book, not a "printout."
Don't run!
Printer advice.
Consumer reports, for October 2002.
Books by Barbara Cartland.
Kenya.
The pillars of creation, and Naked empire, by Terry Goodkind.
Steve McQueen.
"I need books on the constitution test."

Internet Signups: 57

In the Afternoon:

I do not feel well at all today.
A feast for crows, by George R. R. Martin.
Printer advice.
You ned a photo ID to use the computers, ma'am.
I give my "How to use the microfilm reader" speech.
Printer advice.
Lost floppy.
Oh, my stomach ...
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
Phone book.
Stapler.
Madame X, the one with Lana Turner.
Push the green button, ma'am.
You spelled "Yahoo" wrong, sir.
"I need a historical novel and a book on somebody's life."
Local paper.
Login problems.
No, I don't know why that page won't load, ma'am.
Address to the American Cancer Society.
Newspapers for October.
Sorry, I don't know what reference book you were looking at earlier.
Old yearbooks.
Old city directories.
Add about a half dozen computer crashes to the above. I'm going home to bed.

Internet Signups: 43

In the Morning:

Do you have an email account, sir?
Sunday paper.
The copier needs money, ma'am.
Salmonella.
I tell the man three times that we don't have carbon paper. He just stares at me.
Printer advice.
It's hard to explain internet login precedure when your patron is deaf.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Copier advice.
Baby name books.
I can't make the text any bigger, ma'am.
Printer advice.
The Gentrys: Cal, by Linda Howard.
"My mom wants books by Christina Agathy. She writes books like Sherlock Holmes."
Pen.
Stapler.
Pen.
Newspaper from last week.
City directory.
Another city directory.
Stop calling me "dear."
WPs are over there, ma'am.
That woman is going to bug the man sitting at the machine next to her for advice until he explodes.
A batch of newspapers.
"Self-help books on tape."
Cry no more, by Linda Howard.
Printer advice.
I help a woman over the phone. Meanwhile the line forms. They are all impatient. One is sighing dramatically. One is tapping his fingers on the counter. Another hangs his head. Others exchange meaningful looks concerning the decline of service in modern society. It is the best display of put-uponness that I've seen in some time. I find it so amusing I almost neglect to call Librarian X for backup.

In the Afternoon:

Marriage proposals. The patron's sister wants to propose at a dinner in front of both families and wants ideas. A fun reference question!
Pregnancy.
A patron screams and has a fit.
Today's paper.
Pen.
What Librarian Q said on the phone: "Yes, ma'am, we have outlets if you want to plug in your laptop here." What the patron heard: "Yes ma'am, bring in the carcass of your PC here and we'll diagnose your hard drive problems for you."
Printer advice.
Sorry, you're too young for the internet, kid.
Ah, the paramedics are here.
Missing floppy.
CEO of Hallmark Cards.
The paramedics wheel out the patron, who is looking much better.
Today's paper.
Printer advice.
What a wonderful world, by Bob Thiele.
Today's paper.
Today's paper.
Today's paper.
Library Y wonders who is taller: Simon or Garfunkel?
The adventures of Tom Sawyer, by Mark Twain. "The new version."
Copier advice.
Today's paper.
Stuff by Richard Wilbur, but I suspect the patron is confused.
Batteries, and "lemon power."
Cookbooks. I try to have him narrow it down, I really do!
State tax forms.
Computer virus software.
Printer advice.
1987 Mercury Sable repair manual.

Internet Signups: 35

In the Afternoon:

How to change the font.
Printer advice.
Type www.yahoo.com, sir.
More printer advice.
Newspaper.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, by John Gray.
Chevrolet books.
Still more printer advice, all for the same guy.
Missing floppy.
Today's paper.
A lady returns a newspaper and says "A man doesn't put his hand in my pocket!"
Newspaper.
A patron wanders off, muttering "Stupid bitch." No one's in a good mood today.
"Do you remember an article in the paper last week about ..."
We don't have the county death records here, sir.
Sorry, sir, that machine is not hooked up to the printer.
The human nervous system, and the assassination of JFK.
Today's paper.
Scissors and tape.
A baby is tortured.
Yes, sir, that library card will work here, too.
Books on the scottish educational system. Ouch.
A royal duty, by Paul Burrell

In the Evening:

ASVAB books.
Singin' and swingin' and gettin' merry like Christmas, by Maya Angelou.
Como agua para chocolate, on video, not DVD.
Meeting room signup.
Stop playing with that computer, kid.
"Books on bibles, catalogs?"
Religions of the world.
Vaginal spermicide.
She's babbling something about identity theft and someone in this library.
The Darwin awards, by Wendy Northcutt.
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
Attractions of New Mexico.
Two kids are fighting and scrambling over a footstool.
Chicken soup for the teenage soul on tough stuff, by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, and Kimberly Kirberger.
The spirit catches you and you fall down, by Anne Fadiman.
Diego Rivera.
Can he check out back issues of Time?
Atlases.
Sorry, sir, you can't install Professor teaches Microsoft Office on our computers.
Printer advice.
Personal statements and law school applications.
Hairstyle magazines.
How early does your letter have to be at the post office to get overnight delivery?

Internet Signups: 27

In the Morning:

Printer advice.
The AV room is downstairs, ma'am.
1992 Mazda 929 repair manual.
"Has so-and-so signed up for the computer?" Sorry, ma'am, I can't give out that information. "Fuck you." (Click)
We put your notebook in the lost and found, sir.
Why is this man telling me about The weakest link?
"The history of a jacket."
Harry Potter and the prisoner of Azkaban, on tape.
Does Mapquest do Mexico?
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Two notarizations.
I don't think he cares which anti-Bush book he gets, just so he gets one.
ASVAB book.
APA style manual.

In the Afternoon:

A lousy, stinking salesman.
There's another copier downstairs, sir.
Newspapers.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Some Ultimate X-men volumes.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Sorry, sir, no food in the library.
African Laughter, by Doris Lessing, and The lion on the path, by Hugh Tracey.
"Is so-and-so there?" Sorry, ma'am, I can't give out that information. "Oh that's okay. Thank you!" (Click)
The bean trees, by Barbara Kingsolver.
A raisin in the sun, by Lorraine Hansberry.
"I want to know if you got this book." What book? "I just forgot ..."

Internet Signups: 20

In the Morning:

"Do you speak spanish?"
Automobile body work.
She can't figure out an online college catalog. ... Neither can I.
Copier advice.
Driving directions, in great detail.
Librarian Y and I discuss the weather.
Can I help you? "No."
Librarian Y and I discuss digital cameras.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Computer crash.
Today's papers.
Computer crash.
Printer advice.
Librarian Y and I discuss Lene Lovich.
"Is Bob there?" Bob?
Today's paper.
The republic, by Plato.
Computer workshop info.

In the Afternoon:

The lovely bones, by Alice Sebold.
Local zoning ordinances.
"Medical billing."
Notarization.
Computer crash.
Scram, kid.
It's 3:20, sir.
Of mice and men, by John Steinbeck.
"The resolution on my screen just went, like, totally huge."
Love poetry.
Jacobean age.
Pencil and paper, and don't call me buddy.
Skin care and nutrition.
Pimples? Yes, sir. Oh, you said pit bulls. Sorry.
Computer crash.
Computer crash.
Off these machines, kids.
Edgar Allan Poe.
Yearbooks.
Copier advice.
More pit bulls.
Pen.
They'll make change at the front desk, kid.
Copier advice.
Police academies.
We find his missing floppy. "My whole life is on this disk." I suggest he make a backup.
WPs are over there, sir.
That's all the scratch paper we have, kid, and don't run!
Home remodeling.
Home appliance repair.
Wells? You mean the things to draw water out of? Oh, whales. Sorry.

Internet Signups: 39

In the Morning:

No, sir, don't worry, you logged in correctly.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
He lost his pager.
Printer advice.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Sorry, sir, no fax.
"Do you have any networking jobs open here?"
Local bus schedule.
The Peloponnesian war, by Thucydides.
Microfilm machine advice.
Resume books.
"You got computers for the kids to play on?"
Printer advice.
I wish I knew where that missing reel was myself, sir.
CNA test.
Pencil sharpener.
I hate it when would-be techies try to give us advice about our network.
Winesburg, Ohio by Sherwood Anderson.
Local bus map.
Computer passwords not working.
A floppy crashes four computers, including mine.
"How much will it cost to translate this from spanish to english?"

Internet Signups: 43

In the Afternoon:

"Greek mythology ... They had people with wings, right?"
Missing wallet.
A lot of city directories.
Missing volumes of Transmetropolitan. I'm pissed off about it too.
How to write short stories.
Tattoo books.
Sorry, sir, no one at the parole office told us anything about a court order to keep your stepson from looking at vodou sites on the web.
Gossip girl books, and The A-list, by Zoey Dean.
Copier advice.
Coin and paper money collecting.
Sorry, you have to be older than nine to use the computer, little girl.
Missing floppy.
Houseplants.
Copier advice. I hate the new copier.
Alcorn State transcripts.
Government job websites.
Microfilm machine advice.
"Jewish cookbooks."
Poetry.
Medical dictionary.
Rubber band, or tape.
Sorry, you have to be more than eleven to use the computers up here, little girl.
Renew your card at the front desk, sir.
Or bi-yearly request for a TTY phone.
Don't run!
"Teen poetry."
The big bad wolf, by James Patterson.

Internet Signups: 11

In the Afternoon:

Why do some people ask permission before taking scratch paper from the tray?
War poetry.
La vida loca, by Luis Rodriguez.
Local congressman's phone.
Librarian Q is helping a patron who doesn't want me to hear him, but I hear the words "incarcerated," and "statutes."
Today's paper.
CDL training books.
A directory to all the advertisers in the country.
He wants an anatomy book, "newer than Gray's."
Diabetes.
The almighty latin king and queen nation, by David C. Brotherton and Luis Barrios.
Stapler.

In the Evening:

Print server crash.
Are we open tomorrow?
How to load the microfilm reader.
"Books on the culture of England in the 20th century."
Master and commander, by Patrick O'Brien.
HTML books.
The Renaissance.
Pencil sharpener.
Out of the stacks, kids.
Phone for Comcast.
"How do you double-space?"
Printer advice.
A book, placed on hold, wasn't there.
Copier advice.
Bathroom?
My bloody life, by Reymundo Sanchez.
The Louisiana purchase.
Another document erased because a patron got too cute with Word and didn't save.
Godspell vocal score, which someone had promised was on the shelf. It was not.

Internet Signups: 14

In the Morning:

Phone to city hall.
History of baseball, and local indian tribes.
Whoops, I'm not the A-V room. I'll transfer you over.
"Anything by David Baldacci." How about Last man standing? "He's read that one."
Computer crash.
Computer crash.
Computer crash.
Type in the URL exactly, ma'am.
Local AARP phone.
She wants a stand to hold up her notes while she types.
Internet password issues.
Yes, lady, you can look at more than one reference book at a time.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown, on tape.
Oprah's phone number.
That's okay, ma'am, I'll put the paper back on the pole.
Computer workshop question.
"Is 'upbeat' one word or two?"
Phlebotomy certification practice books.
Internet login issues.
Math books.
Valueline.
Fallen: Leviathan, by Thomas E. Sniegoski.
A reverend asks me to page a patron.
Computer crash.
Bad website address.

In the Afternoon:

Local history. She doesn't think she can find the books herself, but she does.
"A-B-C's in different languages."
Books on the goddess Hera.
Can he open a .pdf file here?
Yearbooks.
An ILL hasn't arrived yet, and I take the blame.
"A bibliography of Eric Knight. Biography, whatever." And he wants Lassie.
Books on gladiators.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
Books on Martin Luther.
I lose a patron's library card.
Notarization.
Eiffel Tower diagrams.
American book prices current.
Library cards at the front desk.
Printer advice.
CDs are downstairs.
Our patrons seem to be losing their ability to talk.
Vlad the Impaler.
Ford Motor company.
Pencil.
Pencil.
Under the banner of Heaven, by Jon Krakauer, and The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
Today's paper.
"Do you have WordPerfect on your internet system?"
Can I help you? "Nope."
Local county ordinances for nuisance vehicles.
Don't run!
Kid's section is downstairs, kid.
Today's paper.
They'll make change at the front desk, sir.

Internet Signups: 51

Today I am sick. Hope you are well.

In the Morning:

Computer workshop schedule and endless questions.
Celebrity pallbearers.
Microfilm machine help.
Today's paper.
Printer advice.
Mystic River, by Dennis Lehane.
The last command, by Timothy Zahn.
A book of similes.
Copier advice.
Computer crash.
Another.
"I need books to help me in school."

Internet Signups: 31

In the Afternoon:

I butt into Librarian Q's ref interview, a bad habit of mine.
Can I help you? "No."
I am overly nice to an attractive patron.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Computer workshop info.
State tax form online link doesn't work, she says. She is wrong.
Suzanne's diary for Nicholas, by James Patterson.
Oh god, a "Twilight zone" cell phone ringer.
Diary of a groupie, by Omar Tyree.
They'll make change at the front desk, sir.
1999 Ford Expedition repair manual.
Bathroom.
What are our local papers?

In the Evening:

Stapler.
Chrysler's business strategies.
Yearbooks.
"Mi Vida Loca," by "El Loco." "It's about gangsters." When I show him the Rodriguez book he rejects it.
Printer advice.
Local black history info.
Citizenship forms.
Dating games, by R. M. Johnson, Trouble man, by Travis Hunter, and Diary of a groupie, by Omar Tyree.
"Books by Carol Joyce Oates."
Librarian W reports that a patron claims that fairies stole his hat.
Today's paper.
1 John 3:17.
Local driving ordinances.
Lesko books. Happily she wanted it for school money, so I showed her other sources.
Let me show you how to place holds, sir.
A patron left a blue folder here two weeks ago.
Meanwhile, someone forgot their scarf.
Copier advice.

Internet Signups: 15

In the Morning:

Macbeth, "the one with the best actors, and the play as well."
Brief HTML design advice. "You mean you can pull in pictures from other places?"
"Who wrote How to tie ties?"
I'm sure, ma'am, that the books on vitamins will list foods high in vitamin D.
Printer advice, before he tells me he has no money to print.
Printer advice. She was charged for a blank page.
Drowning Ruth, by Christina Schwarz.
Speak, by Laura Halse Anderson.
Some child abuse statutes, but the patron grows bored and wanders off.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
I lose a patron over the phone.
Printer advice.
Computer crash.
The four agreements, by Miguel Ruiz.
"I need to know who wrote the classical song 'Bohemian Rhapsody.'"
She wants to download a 49MB device driver onto her floppy.
Copier advice. (The paper comes out here ... not on the side ... no, look down, ma'am ... down ...)
Nearby Masonic temple

In the Afternoon:

Where can he get something laminated?
Newspapers for the last three days.
Go tell it on the mountain, by James Baldwin.
Chess books.
Valueline, and how late we're open today.
Can I help you find something? "Health." Can you narrow it down? "Diet." Any type of diet? "Atkins." Perfect.
E.A.R.L., by DMX and Smokey D. Fontaine.; and books by Zane.
Sunday's paper.
Stapler.
Any book by Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Copier advice.
Holds at the front desk, sir. And don't run. I don't care if you are 72 years old and full of zest.
A child at the new books makes an evil noise.
Copier advice.
Printer advice.
CABCO building codes, which no one around here uses.
"I need information on this person." She points to "Jacobean Age" on her syllabus.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Printer advice. He finally triumphs with the color copy option!
Phone number for a local department store.
Caravans, by James Michener.
Holds at the front desk sir. Yes, sir, that desk there, the one I'm pointing at.
Computer workshop schedule.
I hate last-minute rushes on Fridays.

Internet Signups: 59

In the Morning:

The Mary Kay Cosmetics site baffles a would-be customer.
"We need you to fix the copier. There's people waiting."
Don't put spaces in the web address, sir.
Sorry, sir I can't seem to find any books by Sullivan Hart.
Subscription info for the Dallas Morning News.
Computer crash.
Black like me, by Howard Griffin.
Copier advice.
Phone to TII Network Industries.
Careers in massage.
You need to set up an account first, ma'am.
Copier advice (It's a new copier, and confusing).
Classifieds and pen.
He can't understand why he can't watch online videos with the sound up in a library. "I want to show my friends."
"Do you still sell discs?"
Computer crash.
Which is the more annoying phone ringer tune: Joplin's "The entertainer," or Grieg's "Hall of the mountain king?"
A book called "Mommy's rules," which I can't locate.
Computer crash.
When is the next meeting for his group here?
We have Microsoft Office in those computers over there, ma'am.
Copier advice.
Chinese instruction on CD-ROM.
Copier advice.
Stapler.
Word processors over there, ma'am.
Examples of seals (numismatics). "Official-like."
Copier advice.

In the Afternoon:

W-7 forms.
Math books.
Printer advice.
Fifteen minutes tracking down a magazine he calls "Handyman." The closest I get is Family handiman. "That's the one." Grr.
Not that printer, ma'am. The other one.
A short story from a 1985 Ellery Queen's mystery magazine.
A patron is overwhelmed by the number of souls in the Chicken soup series and can't decide.
Blow fly, by Patricia Cornwell.
The partner, by John Grisham.
Black Caesar, pirate, by Cliff Gardner.
Cleopatra.
Printer advice.

Internet Signups: 39

In the Morning:

My computer crashes to start my shift.
And the network seems to be down. Oh, boy.
"My computer's froze." No, it hasn't. The network's froze.
Hello darkness, by Sandra Brown.
(The online catalog) "is worse than the doctor's office."
Printer advice (In an odd twist, the network is still down, but the print server is working fine).
Ah!
Circ will break a twenty, sir.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Did he just call me "Great sir?"
Can I help you? "I'm waiting on him."
A genealogy request goes horribly and tragically wrong.
"Inner peace, by Dryer," but he'd settle for anything on inner peace.
Police exams.
How to send an attachment with email.

Internet Signups: 34

In the Afternoon:

Copier advice.
Printer advice.
Pencil.
Printer advice.
The debit card machine makes a scary noise.
How to save to the A: drive.
The print server eats her document three times.
Holds are at the front desk, ma'am.
GED social studies books.
Today's paper.
Pen.
Printer advice.
Yesterday's paper.
Printer advice x2.
How to set up an email account.
I lend out my lighter.

In the Evening:

A list of cars with "Valve interference engines"
Today's paper.
College guides.
The coldest winter ever, by Sister Souljah.
Another volunteer is indexing our newspaper obits. Cool.
Always running, by Luis J. Rodriguez.
Don't run!
I try to help him remove an evil square thing from his online photo, but I fail.
Pencil.
Don't run! At least she had the decency to look sorry.
A pencil sharpener's right over there, sir.
Frankenstein, by Mary Shelley. He looks a bit young for it, but that's what he wants.
Copier advice.
Printer advice.
"Hi, can I disturb you?" She wants online GED guides, and is not disturbing in the least.
Local history books, and "books about people who have gone through experiences."
Nickel and dimed, by Barbara Ehrenreich.
A quick how-to-log-in demo.

Internet Signups: 7 (We had help today)

In the Afternoon:

Scarlet Empress, starring Marlene Dietrich.
True crime books.
"Books about Jah-Wars." Come again? "The cat: Jah-War."
There are more online catalogs over there, ma'am.
There's scrap paper in that box, sir.
Marketing books.
Local plasma center phone.
Flamenco dancing.
No photo ID? Sorry, no Internet.
No photo ID? Sorry, no Internet. "That ... sucks! This library is mutter mutter," as he walks away.
Rodney king.
The copier is right over there, sir.
A Barrons from September.
Scissors.
Our elderly patrons are often the loudest.
Librarian W gets a patron doing a report on behavioral psychology, for his world history class ... That's what he says. Whenever Librarian W asks him a question it takes him about five seconds to answer.
Dictionary.
The brain-dead patron comes back. "I found the website for it." We give him our blessings.
Shut up already!
Local map.
Print server reboot.
1986 BMW 325 repair manual.
She needs a historical novel. Any one.
Sorry we don't have an index to the local paper.
Anti-abortion videos.
Press "Legal" before pressing "Print," ma'am.
Today's paper.
The great unravelling, by Paul Krugman, and Master of the Senate, by Robert Cato.
He lost his insulated coffee cup.
Don't run!
English-spanish dictionaries.
Can I help you? "No."
Computer workshop schedule.
Nintendo 64 survival guide 2, by J. Douglas Arnold.
Printer advice.
Copier advice.
"You got the criminal acts book?"

Internet Signups: 45

In the Morning:

How to back up a floppy.
Local college catalog.
Disks at the front desk, ma'am. "Are they already programmed?"
A patron suggests that we hire him. Fortunately, he is kidding.
Yahoo mail hates his account, but likes mine.
He needs an outlet for his laptop.
Printer advice.
Moon on the water, by Mort Castle, and Black butterflies, by John Shirley.
"Is the meeting room open December 7th?"
"The computer ain't acting right."
Librarian Y gets a patron who wants "the history of dreams."
America's real war, by Daniel Lapin, Stories and poems for extremely intelligent children of all ages, ed. Harold Bloom, and Rachel Ray's 30-minute meals.
Yahoo mail hates three more patrons.
"You see anyone with a baby?"
The kids section is downstairs, ma'am. Coincidently, so are the videos.
"Books by these authors." The sheet lists twenty names.
Books on geishas.
Juventud en Extasis, by Carlos Cuauhtemoc Sanchez.
Books on body language.
Nearby libraries.

In the Afternoon:

Led Zeppelin biographies.
My computer crashes.
A patron reports that the ads are missing from today's paper.
I want to put up a sign that says "Go Away." Librarian Y thinks I shouldn't.
Book sale information.
The print server decides to print without charging a patron, who is pleased.
Today's paper.
I suppose there are worse phone ringer tunes than "The old folks at home."
I leave the desk early.

Internet Signups: 59

In the Morning:

Print server reboot.
Terminal reboot.
They'll give you a card at the front desk, ma'am.
City directory.
The power of a praying parent, by Stormie Omartian.
"Why do you sign up people for the internet?"
Sorry, we have no artwork to loan out.
Vincent Van Gogh. "This one." He shoves a photo in my face.
Printer advice, and a ton of handholding.
You can sit down at any machine you want, ma'am.
More handholding for the same patron.
Resume books.
The Watsons go to Birmingham, 1963, by Christopher Paul Curtis.
Sorry, sir, your ILL hasn't arrived yet.
All his money is in his wallet, which is in his car, which is miles away. How did he even get here?
Terminal reset.
Printer advice.
Chemistry books in spanish.
A book of polish cooking he had looked at yesterday.
Conan books.
Terminal reset.
Don't call me buddy.
Terminal reset.
Terminal reset.

In the Afternoon:

Over the river and through the woods, by Joe DiPietro, and the score for The pirates of Penzance.
Title 7 stuff online.
It's nothing you did, sir. It's the stupid computer.
Copier advice.
Resume books.
Sorry, ma'am, no one turned in your ID.
Today's paper.
Printer advice ("I sent it to the server and only one page came up so it was weird").
"Internet Explorer and the other eight elements."
Patents.
Printer advice. They get mad because they have to pay.
Careers in occupational therapy.
Three different workstations refuse to print his document.
Some 11 year-olds want to read Low rider magazine.
Definition of the word Watusi.
GED book.
Often when I ask a kid not to hang from the counter, their parent gets upset with the kid. Why? If I was that age I'd hang from the counter, too. That's what counters are for.
Occupational outlook handbook.
She's going back to college and needs forms, catalogs, etc.
Roses.
Perfumes.
The battle of Little Big Horn.
Books on stepfamilies, in spanish.
Copier advice (Turn the book sideways, sir).
The copier needs toner.

Internet Signups: 48

In the Morning:

Yes, you can sign up for an internet terminal again, sir.
Please please please get that screaming infant out of here.
You need an email account to send email, sir.
I don't know your password, sir.
Printer advice.
They'll break a five at the front desk, ma'am.
She saw it on TV: a police chief murders his wife.
She has forgotten the name of the police chief, the show, and what channel it was on.
Try the copier over here ... oh, sorry, no color copies.
I think she found her man: Murderer with a badge, by Edward Humes.
What becomes of the brokenhearted? by E. Lynn Harris.
Printer advice.
Yahoo keeps rejecting his username. "I tried everything."
Did Erik Larson ever go to UIUC?
A long line of people seeking printer advice and muttering to themselves.
Investors business daily.

Internet Signups: 16

In the Morning:

Local drivers license phone.
"I need to make a copy but I need it to go sideways."
Tax form 55-something or other.
Copier advice they didn't need.
Copier advice.
Paying for college without going broke.
The printer isn't jammed, sir, it needs more money (I had a similar question yesterday. These things come in waves).
Yearbooks, 1932-34.
"Basic reading books."
Human cell disorders.
That's an online catalog, sir, not an internet terminal.
Scrap paper and dictionary.
Printer advice.
Yes, ma'am, there is indeed a book waiting for you to pick up.
You can buy a disk at the front desk, ma'am.

In the Afternoon:

1996 Chevy Van repair manual.
Local Habitat for Humanity phone.
Stapler.
Today's paper.
He needs it again.
1040EZ for 2002 and 2003.
Yes, sir, there's a book waiting for you at circ. No, I can't tell you the title over the phone.
"Books on bartending drinks. Up to date."
City directory.
He looked like he had a question, but in fact he was just looking at me strangely.
Another city directory.
I guess he thinks it acceptable if he takes his cell phone into the stacks. No one goes in there.
"The old GED book."
Printer advice.
Put the camera away, sir.
"Books with all the tobacco lawsuits. I'm doing a paper." Also an MLA handbook.
El Salvador.
Phone book.
"Where are these books at?" That call number's for a cd, ma'am.
"Books on witchcraft, and dead people." Make up your mind.
Mummies.
Intermediate algebra.
More El Salvador.
Still more El Salvador.
Yesterday's paper.
I can't figure out if geography has changed as a science since I went to school, or if these students are confused.
Sorry, you're too young to use the computers up here. I don't care what the kids librarian said.
A man who can no longer walk well asks for books on running.
The origin of the jack-in-the-box.
"Is this picture more cultural or physical?" It's the geography student again.

Internet Signups: 29

In the Afternoon:

The public internet stations are down. It's scheduled maintenance to fix the last scheduled maintenance.

He points to the empty terminals. "What time?" Not today. "What time tomorrow?"
He wants to ILL schoolbooks for the entire semester.
Not today, sir. They're down.
They're down.
Yes, all of them.
Yes, that one, too.
Sorry, they're down. "Even email?"
Librarian X isn't here, ma'am.
Actually, most of the patrons are taking it pretty well.
Lonely Planet guides for Jamaica, Costa Rica, and Barbados.
"Not at all?" Not at all.
Voter registration.
"Books on teeth."
A couple of textbooks. They never learn.
I promise you, ma'am, that we've never had Texas newspapers. "Oh, maybe it was phone books."
Sorry, they're down today.
A patron asks who is reponsible. I point to Techie Y and the Consultant and say to blame them. Techie Y points to the Consultant and backs away.
Citizenship exam books.
Articles on teacher certification. I have to bring out the old Readers Guide.

In the Evening:

Yes, you could sit at the internet terminal with your mom, but we're not up today.
Sorry, ma'am, I haven't seen your sister in a white turtleneck.
Sorry, the computers are down. Maybe tomorrow, too.
They're fixing something.
That's right, they're down all over the library.
Sorry.
Today and probably tomorrow, too. "Wow ..."
Books on coaching fifth grade basketball.
Contact information for an event we held Friday.
Sorry, they're down.
You can't use that disc here today, sir. I don't care if there is a slot for it.
Pencil.
Books on a specific type of bat: The "big-eared bat."
"The absolute location" of this town. I get him the latitude and longitude. "Is that absolute?"
They're down.
Red-tailed monkeys. "That's what our teacher called them. He's usually wrong."
Sorry, they're down.
"Location of this town, in the air." I assume he means aerial photos.
Don't run!
Blank paper.
"Witchcraft books, or something like that."
Drivers education books, followed by cookbooks and aerobics tapes.
Married, but still looking, by Travis Hunter.
Books by Luis Rodriguez.
Local police chief's bio, then the mayor, then entertainers and sports figures.
The richest man in babylon, by George Clason, on tape.
Mandrills.
Computer workshop information, financial counselling, and local job openings.
Sorry, we don't have a color printer right now.
Videos are down the stairs, sir.
Today's paper.
Sorry, they're down.
The weekend paper.
There's another copier downstairs.
There's plenty of paper in the copier, ma'am. It just needs more money.
Sorry, sir, they're down today.
Why yes, little girl, you can copy pages from the encyclopedia.
"Who did that watercolor on the wall?"
Fiction books are over there, sir.
Copier advice.
Don't run! Christ, they're adults.

Internet Heartbreaks: I count 21, but there were more.

I'm on a much-needed vacation. Back on October 20.

In the meantime you may enjoy Tangognat's ref grunting. And then there's Mr. Icontemplate, who takes a year and condenses it into one ref grunt post, though I suspect his memory is faulty. Surely his Internet count is too low ...

In the Morning:

Has an exam shown up for her? No.
Meeting room reservation.
Sorry, ma'am, you can't use that phone.
Our network software is buggy, so I reboot machines.
Push comes to shove, by Twyla Tharp.
A child called It, by David Pelzer.
Never encourage conversation with a patron doing genealogy.
Reboot.
Holds at the front desk, sir.
Love, by Toni Morrison.
Printer advice.
Bathroom.
Word processors are over there, sir.
Printer advice.
CDs are downstairs, sir.
She left a disc here on Wednesday.
Copier advice.
Phone number in another city.
Terre Haute area code.
Yellow pages.
Marriage records for the 1800s.
What brothers think, what sistahs know, and The sistahs' rules, by Denene Millner.
The grey zone, starring David Arquette and Mira Sorvino.
"Independent schools in the area."
Today's paper.

In the Afternoon:

She wants to sell us a copy of the book she wrote.
Librarian Q is getting whined at because she can't find a building ordinance.
Law library phone number.
Notarization.
The post office is a block that way and a block that way, sir.
Phone books.
If there was an ILL waiting for you, it would be at the front desk, sir.
Black Coffee, by Peggy Lee, and The Koln concert, by Keith Jarrett.
"Travellers aid."
Metaphysics, in spanish. She really wanted books on the paranormal.
Devil in a blue dress, by Walter Mosley. He settles for the video.
Circ clerks and I scramble to locate a missing hold, which was sitting exactly where it should be.
Book club book signup.
Printer advice. Some patrons get all pouty when I tell them we charge for printing.
Today's paper.
Address to submit his United States Secret Service job application.
"The thing ain't printing."
Returning to the desk I find a crumpled piece of paper with a patron's name and a few titles. I think I'm supposed to get them for her.
There are more online catalogs over there, sir.
Sorry, ma'am, we don't have that database, or that one.

Internet Signups: 33
Days until vacation: 0

In the Morning:

A patron can't get rid of the porn sites the previous patron was viewing.
Computer crash.
Try a machine that's turned on, sir.
"I need a couple copies made. Do I just put in the money and do it?"
I throw away a scrap of paper that a patron had scrawled an important phone number on.
Yes, sir, the copier will reduce.
I demonstrate the microfilm reader.
Printer advice.
There's a payphone in the lobby, sir.
Gardening books, my first reference question of the day.
Notarization.
Computer crash.
Computer crash.
Guitar tabs for Sleepwalk, by Larry Carleton.
Microfilm reader demonstration.
Perpetual calendar.
A lousy stinking salesman.

In the Afternoon:

"I need one of you Internet geniuses." Then go over there, sir.
"Is Librarian X there?"
Librarian Y and I discuss garlic, green onions and ginger.
English language instruction tapes.
2004 ASVAB book.
A book by Bernard Natheson, which I could not find.
Notarization.
Librarian Y got all the hard questions today.

Internet Signups: 29
Days until vacation: 1

In the Morning:

Some Harry Potter tapes.
I show her the YahooMail signup page.
I reset the printer.
Techie Y comes up and tears my computer to pieces. Unfortunately he puts it back together again.
"Is Librarian X there?"
Computer crash.
Phone book.
The machine hates his debit card.
Program signup.
The swimming dragon, by T. K. Shih.
The machine hates another debit card.
Printer advice.
Answer your damn cell phone ...
Computer crash.
Language barrier.
Copier advice.
Valueline.
The secret language of birthdays.
The mark of the angel, by Nancy Huston; and The growing seasons, by Samuel Lynn Hynes.

In the Afternoon:

Computer crash.
Antique prices.
Yellow pages.
Che Guevara.
Bruce Lee.
I leave the desk early to some real life things.

Internet Signups: 46
Days until vacation: 2