I'm about to leave. A patron asked me for books on deaf dogs and sign language. Otherwise an unremarkable day.

The only remarkable thing about this week was the level of bitchy people. Belligerent, dishonest computer users. Two patrons nearly got into a fight. A man's pocket was picked. "Who's in charge here?" was said a lot. It's as if everyone used up their christmas cheer last week. This is one week I hated working the reference desk.

(To show I'm not dead)

In the Afternoon:

Notarization.
No more than two to a machine, kids, and sitting at an empty machine next to it but not using it doesn't count.
Fax attempt #1.
Fax attempt #2.
Fax attempt #3.
Computer crash.
No cell phones, sir.
"There must be more than three volumes of The Elenium, right? After all, it's David Eddings."
Fax attempt #4.
Fax attempt #5.
Fax attempt #6.
Fax attempt #7.
Photography.
Another fax attempt #1.
Another fax attempt #2.
The first fax goes through!
The second fax goes through!
Learning Spanish.
Housekeeping, by Marilynn Robinson.
We're suddenly overstaffed at the desk. I volunteer to leave.

Later in the Afternoon:

A newspaper is returned.
Any Merck Manuals to check out?
I reset a computer session.
Quickbooks Pro.
It's been nine months since we switched to automatic signup for our internet terminals, and they still stop at our desk.
No cell phones, sir.
Copier advice.
Printer advice (If you put the card in the wrong way, it'll spit it out, so don't worry).
"Is Circ Clerk D here today?"
I give my "WPs are over there" speech, which now includes "Avoid the last row of computers like the plague."
... But he still can't log in himself.
It's ten till five, sir.
Ten minutes with a particularly dense regular where I throw her son off the machines, get kicked by her 4 year-old girl, and endure endless questions about saving to the A: drive.

Let's see,

My yearly evaluation session was going remarkably well until I tried to be helpful and install anti-spyware software on my boss's computer, and messed it up.

And a patron who's about to lose his document in a computer crash calls it "discrimination. "

And a mother who wants a book explaining Lord of the Rings for her daughter. "It's full of symbolism," she insists.

Otherwise it's a pretty good Friday.

I'm doing virtual ref. For the second straight week an underaged patron has asked me for my phone number. Isn't that sweet? Can I get arrested for this?

Conversation about Wednesday's fire.

A patron finishes reading the newspaper article.

"You know, the city burned it down."
"Why would they do that?" I said.
"To drive out the Mexicans."
"But the city bought out the Mexican owner months ago," I point out.
"Right, and that's why they burned it down." He hands the paper back to me and leaves.

Update: I walked past the remains on my way to lunch, and another patron tells me, "You know they burned it down on purpose because they wanted the space." It's a conspiracy.

A building across the street is on fire!

Update: Two hours later, it's still on fire. Three water cannons and a news helicopter. The building was abandoned, so no one was hurt. The smoke has infiltrated the library and I'm getting a sore throat. My eyes sting. And I'm just getting over a cold ...

A homeless guy claims he's been jailed for library fines and wants a friend to bail him out. The friend is, not surprisingly, suspicious, and calls us.

When the opportunity arose to trade my Tuesday evenings for Thursdays I gladly did it. Tuesday evenings on desk are hellishly busy. Thursdays are relatively calm.

So why the hell is it so busy tonight???

It's always a little strange when I encounter small children who are smarter than their parents.
Speaking of which, the copier is smarter than the last guy who tried to use it.

Late in my Online Reference Shift:

I've answered questions on cerebral palsy, ladybug species, and found pictures of Hawaiian volcanoes. Of the twelve librarians on call right now I have answered three of the six questions. Some people are not pulling their weight. Ahem.

The 9/11 Memorial Voter Registration Drive Entry

In the Morning:

At the Voter Registration Table:

My lord this bunting is tacky.
I register a voter.
A patron wonders why we have nine copies of a Harry Potter book.
A child falls and starts to cry. "You're fine," orders the mother.
Who moved my "Voter Registration Center" sign? It doesn't look any better taped over the bunting like that.
I register a voter.
I glance through Tintin: the Complete Companion, by Michael Farr. Is this a patriotic thing to do?
League of Women Voters Volunteer #1 arrives to help.

At the Reference Desk:

You don't need to ask to use the computers, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Local history volume, and our hours.
She asks specifically for the May 2003 Consumer reports, then hands it back. "It's not what I wanted."
Stapler. "Ahh! The Voter Man!"
How to start a business.
Can I help you? (click)
Printer advice, where to get change, all that.
A psychologist I can't pronounce.

At the Voter Registration Table:

LLVV #2 arrives.

At the Reference Desk:

A child removes some shelf railings and talks about his shoes.
A nearby school district's boundaries in the 1940's.
Pictures of red squares, blue circles, yellow triangles, etc., on the internet.
It looks busy at the voter table.
It's also Mexican Independence Day. I can hear the parade outside.
A circ clerk on the phone: "The books were late ... Where did you return the books? ...Where? ... You don't remember where you returned the books? ... You mailed them? ... Well, they arrived late. There's a fine ... Hello? Hello?"
It's quiet. I pop back to ...

At the Voter Registration Table:

You need something with your current address, sir.

In the Afternoon:

At the Reference Desk:

You don't need to ask us to use the internet, ma'am.
That's not a medical dictionary, ma'am; that's a plain old dictionary.

At the Voter Registration Table:

One of the IDs has to have your current address, sir.
Bathroom? Over there, ma'am.

At the Reference Desk:

Don't let's go to the dogs tonight, by Alexandra Fuller.
Medusa.
First cut, by Peter Robinson.
Sorry, sir, we don't have our job application forms online.
Local supermarket phone.
The coldest winter ever, by Sister Souljah. I am surprised to find one on the shelf.
Printer advice.
His library card barcode is "invalid," he says, but it works when I type it in.
He wants journal articles on "adult development and aging," and he's not familiar with online databases, and could I show him how, and Librarian R has vanished.
"Excuse me, sir. Good afternoon." I smile. He pauses. He waits for me to say "good afternoon" back.
Sorry sir, all our Spanish-language computer workshops are booked up.
Roosevelt and Churchill, ed Francis L. Loewenheim, Harold D. Langley, and Manfred Jonas; The juggler, by Warren F. Kimball; The first summit, by Theodore A. Wilson; and, er, one other.

At the Voter Registration Table:

One of the LWVV ladies asks if she can leave at 4:30. Since we've had ten registrations in six hours, I tell her we can handle the crush.

At the Reference Desk:

"You can't play solitare on these machines?"
No more than 2 people to a machine, dammit.
Don't play around, kids.
Sorry sir, you need a card to use the internet.
That's funny, your card should work ...
Books on school violence.
Just type your barcode in, ma'am.
"What time you close up tonight? ... FIVE?"
No sir, Librarian Q is not here today. Not tomorrow, either. It's the weekend.
"Have you seen my little girl? First she was here, and then ..."
Printer advice.
A medical dictionary she can check out.
Oh god, they want to do a seniors scavenger hunt here. I keep my head down and let Librarian R deal with it.

At the Voter Registration Table:

I register a patron.
I register a second patron. His five year-old daughter chats me up. Her older brothers disapprove.

Total Voter Registrations: 12

In the Evening

Techie X and I discuss novel writing.
Techie X and I discuss Teen Titans and Justice League unlimited.
Techie X and I discuss Knights of the Old Republic.
Techie X and I discuss graphic novels and censorship.
Techie X and I discuss Lisa Gerrard.
Now and again we are interrupted by patrons.

"Do you have any law books?"
A WP crashes with her document.
Sorry, we don't have your textbooks here (x15)
And it's only the first day of school.
And the summer genealogists haven't left yet, either.

Librarian Y gets: "Scarlet O'hara, you know her? They made a movie out of her. What happened to her?"

Today a man said he would become "the next black president."
And a circ clerk's cell phone is busted and won't stop playing Fur Elise.

It's a slow day. Why the hell not?

In the Morning:

Notarization.
You don't need to ask, but you do need a library card to use the computer, sir.
He needs local court records, which we do not have.
You'll need a visitors pass, ma'am.
Porches.
Local papers from 1961.
Business plan guides.
Local college schedule.
This business of music, by M. William Krasilovsky and Sidney Shemel.
You can't fit the entire front page of the newspaper onto a single copy, ma'am.
More fun with the microfilm machines (the library owes me forty cents).
"What year did they start making Honda Civics? How much does it cost?"
Yes, we register people to vote here ... You need two forms of ID ... Expired licenses don't work ... Yes, a utility bill is okay ... Yes you feed the meters on Saturday ... Yes we're wheelchair accessable ...
A page wants to know about a Hebrew dance he can't pronounce.
Operations Management, by James B. Dilworth.
ASVAB books.

In the Afternoon:

Notarization.
"Where are the biographies?"
You need a visitors pass, sir.
Who's beeping? Stop it.
The power of intention, by Wayne Dyer.
My computer crashes.
A patron's computer crashes.
Out of time, by Caroline Cooney.
"Daddy, what's this for?" over and over again.
At a online catalog, a man exclaims "MISSING?!?!?"
The would-be voter in the wheelchair comes in.
A perfectly polite and friendly patron who talks way too loud and doesn't know it. I wish to tell him that the Brother Cadfael books have little in common with The name of the rose, apart from monks trying to figure things out.
Five notarizations.
You'll need to talk to the home delivery people during the week, ma'am.
I can't find the 2004 Songwriter's market.
How to send pics from his cell phone over the internet. Librarian B and I don't know what to tell him.
A WP freezes with its unsaved document. When will they learn?
Is this your eyeglass case?
The printed copy comes out there, ma'am.
Are these your keys?
You can leave the books there, ma'am. We'll reshelve them.

(I'm not back; I'm just bored today)

In the Evening

"Books that will tell me what it is to do with my life."
They'll break a fiver at the circ desk, sir.
Today's paper.
CDs are downstairs, sir.
Surrounded by computers, he asks if we have the internet here.
Museum tickets? Not any more.
Fiction is over there, ma'am.
Pencil.
Holds are at the front desk, ma'am.
Automatic extension tax form.
You don't need to ask permission to use the internet, sir.
Visions across the Americas, ed. J. Sterling Warner. She has a copy she bought but wants to know if the library owns it.
An old friend I haven't seen in years pops by.
The pact, by Sampson Davis, George Jenkins, and Rameck Hunt with Liza Frazier.
Someone tells me two kids are looking at "bad, bad sites."
Sorry, I don't know what those buildings are on 14th street.
I drop Morningstar. What a mess.
Reboot.
We're open until nine, ma'am.
AIDS. She narrows it down, then changes her mind. "Do any of these books have pictures?"
FAFSA Forms.
... Do I miss this? No.

There!

I have recorded, as best as I could, every reference desk transaction from May 14 2003 to May 14 2004.

A year is enough. I am retiring Ref Grunt.

In March I realized that doing this blog was no longer fun. It had become a chore. I kept it going so that readers could see a full year in one ref grunt life.

If I find I miss it I might return, or maybe I’ll post to Refgrunt.com if I get bored.

Most of my emailers told me that my library was just like theirs. The same weird questions, the same patrons. I find this both depressing and funny.

Ref Grunts out there: Tell us your stories!

Thanks to all of you for reading.

“Peter Burd”

In the Morning:

Texas sunrise, by Fern Michaels.
Type your barcode in there, sir.
Herbal supplements.
You need a library card to use the computer, sir.
A missing insurance card is found, left on the copier glass.
Type your barcode ...
Our online databases won't work ...
You need a library card ...
Type your barcode ...
Worse than Watergate, by John Dean.
I don't know why Amazon's "one click ordering" isn't working for you, sir.
No cell phones, sir, at least when you talk as loud as that.
Fax.

In the Afternoon:

Notarization.
"Biblical Couseling."
Type your barcode ...
In evil hour, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Open your mind and be healed, by Johnnie Coleman, and the latest Oprah book.
The two Babylons, by Alexander Hislop.
Carpentry books.
Type your barcode ...
How to attach a file.
The computer's just slow, sir. There's nothing I can do.
"Books to teach motivation."
Yesterday and today's paper.
Copier advice.
Reboot.
You can't use your own paper in the printer, sir.
Reboot.
Type your barcode ...
Type your barcode ...
You need a library card ...

In the Morning:

State tax form. Two copies.
They'll look up your barcode at the front desk for money, sir.
Our accountant borrows our copy of Morningstar, which troubles me somehow.
All you need to do is type your barcode in, ma'am.
Consumer info for lawn mowers.
City directory.
Madame C. J. Walker.
How to fight cancer and win, by William L. Fischer.
She works on her document for nearly an hour and doesn't bother to save it ...
Project management for dummies, by Stanley E. Portny.
Reset fails. Time to reboot. She is convinced computers hate her in particular.
How to get a library card? Wrong desk.
Newspapers we don't have on microfilm.
"Books on ancient battles. Troy and Spartacus."
1040 instructions.
The PC doesn't like his barcode. Whoops, it does now.
Type your barcode there, ma'am.
Their eyes were watching God, by Zora Neale Hurston, and The adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain.
Two more reboots.

In the Afternoon:

I smell burning plastic ...
City directory.
A credit union asks us to do a criss-cross.
Two reboots.
Books on the forties.
Type your barcode in there, sir.
Books on the '40s.
Sunday's paper.
Stuff about Jack Horkheimer and comets. I google "Greetings, greetings, fellow star gazers." Then he wants to know all about snoezelen.
Shut up!
Reset.

In the Afternoon:

Reboot.
Reset.
Reboot.
Reset.
The quiet American, by Graham Greene.
Reboot.
"I need a book on how to own a car."
Reboot.
Reset.
Quiet!
You need a library card. Since a month ago.
Local ordinances for washing your car on the grass.
A child called it, by David Pelzer.
Reset.
They'll look up your barcode at circ, sir.
"I gotta go to Google, but it won't let me."
Reboot.
Shut up! Twice!
Make that three times!
WPs are over there, ma'am.

In the Evening:

Walk like a man, starring Howie Mandel.
"Books on the history of the '80s."
No matter how many times we explain our internet login system, that old lady will not understand.
They'll look up your barcode number at circ, ma'am, for money (This amuses her).
Art in the '90s.
Reboot.
You're too young to use the computers up here, thank god.
Printer advice.
Pancho Villa, Leo Tolstoy, and others.
Reboot.
"Is Techie X there?"
Key to the bathroom.
She wants to fit a certain amount of boxes into a "master carton."
I kick a boy off the machines.
Computer workshop schedule.
Her phone is cut off, she just lost her sister, she doesn't understand why she needs a card to use the computer.
Grants for business.
Reboot.
Your little sister needs to keep it down, kid.
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
He's shocked not that he has to type in his barcode, but because he has to type in all twelve digits.
Books on running a custodial business.
Computer workshop schedule. People keep asking for them but no one ever shows up.
Printer advice.

In the Morning:

You know, I actually like working the desk Monday mornings ...
Type your barcode in there, sir.
A long, semi-fruitless search for a publishing house that could be in three different states.
Type your barcode in there, sir.
A total stranger passes by and calls me "Mr. Peter."
Careers in modeling.
Copier advice.
How to recharge her debit card.
Yes, we have papers from the fifties, sir, but we do not have an index.
Notarization.
Printer advice.
... Because Monday mornings are so quiet.

It turned out I read the schedule wrong. I should have covered the desk for two more hours. I left poor newbie Librarian R all alone and it got busier. Sorry, Librarian R.

In the Afternoon:

The greatest saleman in the world, by Og Mandino.
Then a real salesman calls and asks questions about our microfilm machines before trying to sell us crap.
Printer reset.
Cut and paste.
Six days of war, by Michael B. Oren.
Tape.
ILL snafu.
Librarian R. is taking far too long sending a fax.
The magic christian, starring Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr. While the patron recites his barcode he switches to Spanish, because "I'm learning it." I guess I was supposed to laugh or something.
Stapler.
Books by Heather Smith Thomas.
A patron gets tired of waiting on the phone.
Copier advice.
Just walk over to a machine and type in your barcode, sir ... Well, you do need a library card.
Just type your barcode ...
Copier advice.
Local Avon rep.
Phone book.
The plotline of Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown.
Today's paper.
Yesterday's paper.
Other papers from today.
Today's paper.
Type your barcode ...

In the Morning:

Yup, you need a library card to use the computers.
I say it again.
Sigh, and again.
Yes we have some 1880s newspapers on microfilm, sir.
"When's the next Harry Potter book coming out?"
Type your libary barcode there, sir.
"You gotta help me on the internet because I'm kinda legally blind."
You need a library card, sir.

In the Afternoon:

"I need the phone number to Microsoft Word."
The coldest winter ever, by Sister Souljah.
Today's paper.
He's worried that he performed an "illegal operation." I reassure him. Meanwhile another patron barges ahead of him. "Where are the sports books?"
You need a library card, ma'am.
Paralegal careers.
Just type your card number there, ma'am.
She can't get the VH1 page to load.

In the Evening

"Where's this?"
How to save.
"Drugs." I think he's on them.
"I thought the copier was a change machine and it ate my dollar."
JFK.
Your session is over, sir.
Type your barcode there, ma'am.
Fiction is over there."
"Music." Can you narrow it down? "... Music."
"I'm going to need assistance with the computer."
Printer advice.
Eloise Greenfield.
Legal books.
Reboot.
Human resources development.
I reset two machines.
Computer workshop schedule.
Maya Angelou.
"Can I see this pencil?"
Maps of Europe in 1914.
Another reset.
Newspapers from April.
Manatees.
That's not an internet terminal, ma'am. That's an online catalog.
I repeat the above for another patron.
Randall Jarrell.
His images are too big to fit on his Black Planet profile.
I wish Acrobat would stop trying to upgrade itself.
Pictures of jazz instruments.
Ourselves to know, by John O'hara. The patron goes on about how he's a distant relative.
LSAT books.
Word advice.
Lots of whining because she can't find her card.
Oedipus Anne, by Diana Hume George, and Anne Sexton, by Diane Middlebrook.
I am told our new computer system is a ripoff.
I reset the printer.
He's lost his ID and other stuff. ... No he didn't.
Nuts! by Kevin and Jackie Freiberg.
South Beach Diet books.

In the Evening:

Sorry, ma'am, you can't take the newspaper out of the library.
Sorry, ma'am, we have no place for you to leave flyers.
Toady's paper.
How to copy legal size.
Puerto Rico and Mexico.
Gays and the church.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Reboot.
You pick up books at the circ desk, kid.
Street gangs.
India.
Matthew Lesko books.
Much advice on A: drives, networks and printers. I don't think the patron understood a word.
Microsoft and ADO and Access. He keeps staring at us even after we've shown him everything.
Tiling, then bathrooms, cabinets and dry wall.
The computer guy still won't go away.
"Can I draw pictures on microsoft?" (Not the computer guy)
"Will you sharpen this pencil for me, please."
Printer advice.
Pre-GED math videos.
Two reboots, a lost document and a saved one.
Phone number to Soldier Field.
Apes, for her grandson. Happily the kid shows up and narrows it down to Orangutans.
Surely I'll hold onto this copy of Poet's market for you, if you give me your phone number (I didn't really say that).
The jacket, by Andrew Clements.

In the Morning:

The copy machine downstairs still works, sir. ... Whoops, no it doesn't.
City directory.
Black girl lost, by Donald Goines.
Sugar busters, by H. Leighton Steward et al.
They'll look up your number at the front desk, sir.
Avascular Necrosis.
1997 Plymouth Voyager repair manual.
She needs a librarian who can speak Spanish.
Phone number to a church.
Phone number for a cab.
State tax form.
I log in a guest internet user.
Math books.
Mexican Weddings and Catholicism.
Computer workshop schedule.
Shut up!
Printer advice, twice.
Sidney Sheldon books.
I said shut up!

In the Afternoon:

I relieve Librarian Y, who is muttering to herself. I think she had a busy shift.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
You need a library card to use the internet, sir.
I say it again, to a different patron, who is not happy with me.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Paul Laurence Dunbar.
She's looking for a quiet corner at 3:50 in the afternoon during the school year. Ha ha!
Printer advice.
Those machines over there have CD-ROM drives, sir.
Mary, Queen of Scots.
1993 Chevrolet Caprice repair manual.
"Poetry of John Updike." Also Billy Collins.
She can only narrow it down to "A Hispanic-American woman poet."
The old man says "You sure changed things around here."
Reboot.
Carl Sandburg.
Sandra Cisneros.
Emily Bronte.
How to get to another library catalog.
Emily Dickinson.
Edgar Allen Poe.
Smart women finish rich, by David Bach, and Mortgages for dummies, by Eric Tyson and Ray Brown.
Harlem Renaissance.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Tape and Scissors.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Reboot.
You can't use that paper in our printers, sir.
The computer isn't messed up, ma'am, the webpage is.
We close at nine, sir.
You can go downstairs without having to check out those books, sir.
Federico Garcia Lorca.
Bathroom?
Reboot.
Reboot.

Times I gave the library barcode speech: 4

In the Afternoon:

You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Charles dickens.
No Bob Dylan, ma'am. I think you mean Dylan Thomas.
WPs are over there, sir.
Printer advice.
All our copiers are broken ma'am.
Medical dictionaries.
"Biographies of the Alamo."
Anne Sexton.
Spanish books.
Pencil.
Milwaukee phone book.
The printer ate his money.
Pencil.
Don't run!
Last week a cell phone did the "tocatta" part. Today another phone plays the "fugue" part.
Food pyramid on the internet.
Reboot.
Don't run!
The great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
I reset a printer.
The girl comes in for the Gatsby, but circ can't find where I put it.
Today's paper.
Reboot.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Don't run!
Don't run! (sigh)
I reset a printer.
That's the call number there, sir, and biographies are over there.
Capital punishment, books and two magazine articles please.
You can get a replacement card at the front desk, sir.
The communist manifesto, by Marx and Engels.
Printer problems and a reboot.
Don't run!
Press the print button, lady.
You didn't save your work? I have bad news for you.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
Kurt Vonnegut.
I show her how to get to the online databases a second time.
Sorry, sir. They shut off automatically. Nothing I can do.
State tax form. She has a terrible cough.

Times I say "Just Type In Your Barcode": 11

In the Morning:

Are you there alone? by Suzanne O'Malley.
Magazine articles online.
Type your barcode in ...
Type your barcode in ...
Pencil.
We can send faxes, sir, but not receive them for you.
State forms.
Reboot.
Real estate exam books.
Type your barcode in ...
He's never used the internet before and he's smiling at me.
Rigid frame bridge, by Arthur Hayden.
She's sight-impaired and would I like to do her medical research for her? Luckily it's just three names to look up.
Road maps of Germany.
Printer advice.
Drag the bar over and click on the X, sir.
Printer advice.
Phantom Legion, by Cameron Judd.
Zip code lookup.
Missing floppy does not turn up.
The pencil is returned to me like it is a sacred relic.

In the Afternoon:

Turn off that cell phone, sir.
Phone book.
Almanac.
Pencil.
Reboot.
Off the machine, kids.
Where can he buy GED books?
Consumer info for digital cameras.
"My computer's acting weird."
Just walk over and type your barcode ...
Today's paper.
Bathroom?
Printer advice.
Extensive printer advice. "That's okay, I'll do it another time."
Type your barcode in.
Fax.
Today's paper.
Papers for the last two weeks.
Papers for October.
"What time to you close?"
Cutting and pasting a resume.
Go over there and type your barcode ... no, go over there, where the computers are. Over there.
Books on cars.
Newspapers from October in Spanish.
Walk over there and type your barcode ...
Papers for April 17, 18.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Go over and type your barcode.
Can I help you? "No."
I don't know how to get to your chatroom, sir.
"Philosophy books." He narrows it down to Socrates.
She'll come back for more papers tomorrow, she says.
Reboot.
Restroom?
Four Dickens novels.

In the Morning:

Printer advice.
Reboot.
Type your barcode there, sir.
Reboot.
Fax.
You need a library card ...
Stapler.
City directories 1960-1980. But the copier's busted.
Some sort of achievement center.
Reboot.
Another achievement center. No one's answering at the first one.
Reboot.
You need a library card ...
Bus schedules.
Police phone number.
You can't find those books on the shelf because you're using a different library's catalog, lady.
You need a library card. "Aren't these for the public?"
Reboot
State tax forms.
Don't run!
Tissue.

In the Afternoon:

Fax.
Reboot.
Shut up!
Math books. She has an alien baby.
Reboot. Another baby, but he just looks grumpy.
Grant writing.
Shut up!
Today's paper.
The other copy of today's paper.
More grant books.
Who's in charge of the meeting room schedule? I forget.
War and peace, by Leo Tolstoy.
A Wheel of time prequel, but not New spring.
He holds up a note: "Please help this patron find a Spanish literature book for a school paper."
Shut up!
You need a library card, lady. Quit pouting.
God I'm telling a lot of kids to shut up today.
Typing books.
Librarian R is stuck with a patron full of questions.
Sorry, sir, you're out of time.
Spanish instruction tapes and CD-ROMs.
Japan.
Car repair manuals, in general.
I don't know what the hell that little girl wanted.

In the Morning:

Printer advice.
King, warrior, magician, lover, by Robert Moore.
Printer advice.
That Bach tocatta as a cell phone ringer.
Quilting.
Don't run!
City directories.
Info on the Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority.
More city directories.
Talk to circ, sir.
His ILL is messed up. He wanted a GED CD-ROM, not a book.
Ebony back issues.
You need a library card ...
Type your barcode there ...
Repeat.
Printer advice.
Scholarship books that she can check out.
Today's paper.
Bus schedule.
Something about maps. I wasn't paying attention.
That's a pdf form, ma'am. You can't fill it out online.
A services directory.
Reboot.
Copyright forms.
Books by David Bach.
Origin of the quote "'Tis a far, far better thing ..."

In the Afternoon:

Books about Myra Cohn livingston. "She's not American. She's from New England."
Does she want Baby Mama Drama, by Russell Bailey, or Baby Momma Drama, by Carl Weber? She has no idea. She'll take them both.
Just type your barcode in, ma'am.
Just type your barcode in, sir. Oh. Then you better talk with circ.
Do we have any lectures coming up on women and gender? She was just hoping ...
He gets offended that he needs a library card to use the computers now.
"You got any CDs of romantic orchestral?" They finally decide on Wagner. Heh heh.
Edna St. Vincent Millay.
Fax.
An adult starts an internet session and immediately leaves. A minute later a kid jumps on the machine.
Four giggling middleschoolers and one six year-old want volcano books.
Julia Alvarez.
Reboot.
WPs are over there, sir.
She looks asleep, but one finger is tapping.
Reboot.
I can't help you until I finish helping her, sir.
Reboot.
Of course you can use that online catalog, sir.
Local history. How many wards?
I get thanked for something. I forget what.
Lit crit on Frankenstein.
Down Syndrome and F. Scott Fitzgerald. Not together.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Stapler.
There's a working copier near the front door, sir.
Newspapers from 1998

In the Afternoon:

How to make curtains and pillows.
Stapler.
Her library barcode isn't in our system.
Another reboot, thanks to Adobe Acrobat.
A missing floppy is retrieved.
A runaway child is snatched up by the lapels.
Printer advice.
Computer workshop question.
Copier advice.
Archi-pages. I can't figure out if we own it or not ...
My bloody life, by Reymundo Sanchez. And "other books on gangs."
Sorry, sir, I don't think we ever carried "Chess life and review."
Sorry, our ILL person is gone for the day.
Newspapers from the beginning of the month.
He's can't find an option on some greeting card program he has and wants to bring it in to show us.
Printer advice.

In the Evening:

I sign up an out-of-stater for an internet terminal.
A cougar is loose (not in the library). Our security guy and I discuss.
"Is --- there?" Who? A ref librarian so new I haven't met her yet.
We're missing v. 2 of the Great books series. Or is it 2-3? We can't figure it out.
Tornadoes.
"You got any kind of tapes with different kinds of music on it?"
Printer advice.
Reboot, reboot.
Books by Zane.
Wall of pain, by David Thompson.
Books by Erik Jerome Dickey.
Debit card machine's over there.
Her machine's frozen. She has not saved the file to disc.
"Why do we only get two sessions?"
Sorry kid, you're too young.
Bathroom?
I register a patron to vote.
One of our regulars pulls up a chair and bores Techie X to death.
How to recharge her debit card.
Today's paper.
Try the kids section, kid.
Peoples and cultures of Africa, by Elliott P. Skinner.
"It won't print."
Techie X and I discuss roulette.

In the Morning:

I reset the printer.
The yellow pages she is using does not include churches.
Local phone number.
You need your library card to use the internet, sir.
Ditto, ma'am.
Birth certificate from Panola County MS.
The drama of the gifted child, by Alice Miller.
You need your library card, sir.
And ma'am.
A patron approves of our new internet signup system. Later, another patron steals his online session.
Once again the copier is smarter than the patron using it.
Pencil sharpener.
"How old is this web page?"
A walk on the beach, by Joan Anderson.
Morning devotionals.
Books on publishing poetry.
Volcanoes.
Reboot.
Life during wartime, by Keith Reddin.
"A book called 'Mister Landlord.'" Actually she wanted The landlord's kit, by Jeffrey Taylor.
Using a paperclip I rescue a library card from the floppy drive. The patron is both embarrassed and grateful.
Reboot.
Scratch paper.
Yes, we have PowerPoint. No, we don't have a scanner.
Biographies?
The status of an ILL.
Reboot.
Reboot.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Today's paper.
Printer advice.
Al Capone.
One hundred years of solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and The heart is a lonely hunter, by Carson McCullers.
Lengthy help for a half-blind patron who is unfamiliar with the web and wants a site I can't locate.
Videos on segregation.
Don't run!
Kid's section is downstairs, kid.

In the Afternoon:

How to do two-sided copies on the glass.
A textbook. The patron keeps calling me by my first name.
Textbook.
Local shelters. "We got nowhere to go and we're just walking around and around ..."
Key of knowledge, by Nora Roberts.
Reboot.
Sorry ma'am, those are the only shelters we know about.
Reboot.
Twice he has come to the desk, placed the almanac he borrowed on the counter, changed his mind and walked away. He also does it with his ID card.
He calls to make sure we have books on photography, and Mark Twain.
No sleeping in the library, sir.
Microfilm reader lecture.
Reboot.
No all of Adobe Acrobat's print buttons work. Annoying.
How to save on a floppy.
Local art classes?
Literary criticism of A midsummer night's dream? You already found them. Yes, ma'am, the books you are holding have literary criticism. Good job!
Just walk over and type your barcode, ma'am.
True, he is a regular. He had no library card, and he wants to play internet chess. He acts like I'm a close friend. I say no. So much for our beautiful friendship.
Form 9465.
Every couple months I get a craving for Eno's Another green world. I sneak downstairs to get it.
We look and look but can't track down a Comiskey Street in Chicago.

In the Morning:

A lot of printer advice for three different patrons.
I sign up two "guests" for the internet.
One of our pages gets a phone call that really pisses him off.
Zane and Erik Jerome Dickey books.
More printer advice.
Word advice.
Much more general computer advice.
You need a library card to use the computer, sir.
Tax counseling phone number.
One hundred years of solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and The heart is a lonely hunter, by Carson McCullers.
Quilting.
Yes, ma'am there are plenty of websites for job hunters.
City directory.
Morningstar.
Computer workshop schedule.
Older city directories. I then need to show her how they work.
Resume books.
"I'd like to use the internet."
Deaths in Africa because of AIDS.
Local newspaper articles from 1998.
Librarian Y goes home sick but I think she just wants to miss a meeting.
Computer workshop schedule.
Type your barcode in there, sir.
Reboot.
Type your barcode in there, sir.

In the Afternoon:

Type your barcode in there, sir.
Stop calling me by my first name, sir.
The webpage he wants is taking forever to load, but I can't help him.
A liver transplant video.
The meanings of "Plight" and "Dilemma."
Today's paper.
How to play a conga.
GED books.
How many seniors are there in the United States, and how many of them are on medicare?
You need your library card to use the internet terminals, ma'am. No, you can't use your kid's.
Night, by Elie Wiesel.
The spelling of "Reoccur."
Reboot.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
You can pick up holds at the front desk, ma'am.
Kids around the world - Cook! by Arlette N. Bramam.
In that case you'll need to get a new library card, sir.
He's looking for his niece, who ran away two weeks ago.
I reset a print server.
The Bermuda Triangle.
I reset a print server while others butt into line.
Baseball's great dynasties: the Cubs, by Thomas G. Aylesworth. It makes no sense to me, either.
I reset a printer.
Reboot.
Newspapers going back two weeks.
You gotta be high school age at least to use the ones up here, kids.
Reboot.
I reset a printer.
The mermaid of Cafur, by Evelyn Foster.
Two final reboots.

In the Morning:

You apply for a library card at the front desk, sir.
You can talk to circ about getting a library card.
Is the printer working? Yes.
"Is Librarian Z there?"
Type your barcode in there, sir (twice).
One hundred years of solitude, by Gabriel Garcia Marquez, and The heart is a lonely hunter, by Carson McCullers.
Printer advice.
Lit crit for A doll's house, by Henrik Ibsen.
You need to show your library card to the circ desk, sir.
"Is Librarian Z there?"
You can get a library card at circ, sir.
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
Ditto.
Yesterday's paper, since today's hasn't shown up yet.
A man talks strangely about Windows XP.
The boss won't be in until 2:00.
Type your barcode there, ma'am.
Consumer info on digital cameras and portable DVD players.

In the Afternoon:

I reboot my own computer.
Microfilm machine lecture.
Bathroom?
Printer advice.
"Is Librarian Z there?"
Copier advice.
Just type your barcode in there, ma'am.
"Is Librarian Z there?"
Today's paper.
Reboot.
'46 and '47 yearbooks.
Today's paper.
GED books.
Type your barcode in the first screen you see, ma'am.
Parenting older children ... "Seven months ... no, two
years ..."
The copier's over there, ma'am.
Reboot.
Printer advice.

Later in the Afternoon:

Thou shalt not grill, by Tamar Myers.
Shut up!
Printer advice.
More printer advice.
A request to ILL volumes of Ranma 1/2 leads to some manga recommendations.
Go and sit down at any machine and type in your barcode, sir.
"Where are the biographies?"
"What's the word mean: Aformation? Aformative?"
Autobiographies and biographies are all together, sir.
I reset a card catalog.
Computers with Office are over there. No, sir, we don't have WordPerfect. Why are you giving me a funny look?
Printer advice.
Copier advice.
Someone left a floppy.
I'll put that away, sir.
Someone left another floppy.
Reboot.

In the Morning:

Beautiful skin of color, by Jeanine Downie.
She wants to donate a Jehovah's Witness tract because "I want to make sure the truth is on the shelves along with all the other books."
Yesterday's paper.
Alternate spellings of the name "Hudson."
Today's paper.
State tax form.
Speeches of Eisenhower and Reagan. He has a happy smiling baby.
"There was a motorcycle crash in 1986 ..." I give my microfilm reader lecture.
Norman Rockwell.
Today's paper.
A different today's paper.
Blood canticle, by Anne Rice, on CD.
Mola, by Maricel E. Presilla.
The Lewis and Clark expedition.
Another library wants us to fax a poem.
All hell breaks loose. Two patrons on hold, two more needing help at the computers, and two waiting at the desk. Most of them give up.
Missing floppy.
An image of the breast cancer pink ribbon. She is delighted to learn about Google's image search.
Plan of attack, by Bob Woodward, but I put a hold on the wrong one.
Computer workshop info.
Fly in the Dust? Faulkner?
A transfer to ILL.

In the Evening:

Printer advice.
Reboot.
The status of an ILL, and do we have a phone book?
Articles on Jonestown.
Another dissatisfied computer user ("I was only on for ten minutes!")
Reboot.
Eyes on the prize, on video.
Gee, lady, I don't know if we accept that library's card or not. Ask over there.
Can you keep a secret? by Sophie Kinsella.
Reboot. Sigh. Reboot.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
Reboot and reboot.
"Books on 'Creating the ideal desire for the future.'" She settles for books on business management.
The wave, by Morton Rhue.
Two computers reboot themselves.
The burglar on the prowl, by Lawrence Block.
Copier advice.
Lit crit on Frankenstein.
Copier advice.
Bus schedules.
"Didn't automotive books used to be around there?" He was one aisle off.
Reboot.
Lip reading.
Reboot.
Camus and existentialism. Again.
Today's paper.
Death penalty.
Reboot.
Nevada. Can she narrow it down? Of course not.
The stair is over there, sir.
Copier advice.
Who moved my cheese? by Spencer Johnson.
Yesterday's paper.
All he has of the call number is 616.8583 ...
Reboot. Yahoo is confounding our machines tonight.
Printer advice.
History of the guitar.
Langston Hughes reading on tape.
Printer advice, twice.

In the Afternoon:

I reboot the print server.
You'll need to show your card to Circ, sir.
I proctor an exam. She gets upset when I tell her we can't mail it until Monday.
(The above is all that happened in the first hour)
Breathless for the bachelor, by Cindy Gerard.
Stapler. He just takes it without asking.
Camping and wilderness survival, by Paul Tawrell
Dwight Eisenhower.
And that's all.

Type Your Barcode There: 2

In the Morning:

"I logged into a WP by mistake."
Computer friendly, by Raymond Steinbacher.
A staff member wanting an ILL butts into line.
"My computer froze."
State tax form.
"How do I get an email address?"
"How do I open this file?"
A sob story about how he needs his taxes done.
Her resume spills onto two pages because of spaces and she doesn't want to pay.
Address to Scholastic, Inc.
The spelling of an Italian word she cannot pronounce.
There is no state EZ form, sir.
Mayor's office phone.
Another state tax form.
Sorry ma'am, we have no more pens to give out.
Microfilm machine lecture.
You want another copy of the state form? The copier's right over there, ma'am (She pouts).
Fax.
Alderman? City council member? She doesn't know what she wants.
He wants 4868, the form for filing late.
State form.
State form. Just one. More whining.
For the last time, ma'am, they have no aldermen in that town, and state representatives don't deal with unwanted pets.
Where to send her tax forms.
4868.

In the Afternoon:

City directories '75, '85, '95.
The printer is offline.
I don't know what form you need, sir.
You need to get a library card to use the computers, sir.
Any local cell phone company whatsover.
Yes, ma'am, we still have a few state forms left.
"It won't print."
4868.
Bathroom?
You need a library card blah blah.
Librarian Y plans her herb garden.
Reboot.
State form.
You live in town? Get a damn library card!
Whiteout.
Emily Dickinson.
Local American Family Insurance offices.
Books on writing picture books, at least that's what I think she wants.
Copying costs .20, sir.
FIC is over there. PBK FIC is over there.
Astronomy magazines.
You're too young.
Black hawk down, by Mark Bowden.
We can't open that file on these computers, sir.
Hamlet, by William Shakespeare, for a brain-dead kid.
Copier advice. He's blowing up an image for a tattoo.
"Bullies ... gangs ..." When I show her the books she adds "Intolerance."
"Race ... you know, racist ... and gangs."
Cliff's notes for Nectar in a sieve, by Kamala Markandays.
"Do you have a list of people who survived the Holocaust?"
I think a lot of school assignments are due next week.
Reboot.
Fiction is over there, ma'am.

New Internet System, Sir or Ma'am: 12

In the Afternoon:

Reboot.
State tax forms.
She actually thinks we're interested in her tax problems.
Reboot.
People are still surprised when I tell them they can download forms on the net.
She tries to tell me how to do my taxes.
Copier advice.
That was last week's computer workshop, sir. Not this week's.
I honestly think our copy machine is smarter than many of the patrons who use it.
Printer advice.
You will get an option to extend your time, sir.
You will get an option to extend your time, sir, and quit copping an attitude.
Tax forms are over there, ma'am.
Movie review websites.
The state tax form website is not responding. He gives me a hurt look.
Saint John Fisher, by Vincent McNabb.
Books about Lewis Carroll.
Reboot.

In the Evening:

Yes, ma'am, you can register to vote now.
Phone to another library.
Don't run!
Coin books.
The secret life of bees, by Sue Monk Kidd.
They're doing the tax counseling downstairs, ma'am.
Sign language.
Books about Octavio Paz.
Don't call me "guy."
More attitude when a woman can't log into two machines at once.
How to print in color.
Yes, sir, that book's in the kids section.
I throw a couple of kids off the machines.
State tax form.
Reboot.
Schedules C, H.
Books on Hawaii with lots of pictures.
"H encyclopedias." It's the Hawaii kid again.
I think kids have figured out how to get around our new timing software.
I leave to conduct a workshop. I come back.
We hand out 1,000,000 state tax forms.
Don't run!
Notarization.
More state forms.
White-out.
Library cards at the circulation desk, sir.
Still more state forms.
Librarian G gets: "I need newspapers about the 21st century."
Copier advice.
Those are the only study rooms we have, sir.
They say it's a free credit report, sir, but they're lying.
Hemingway books.
Another state tax form.
Where are the Word resume templates?
Form 4835.
A bunch more forms we don't have.
1099 forms. Argh.
Not that computer, sir ... This one.
"Books on Roman lettering, Greek lettering, you know, alphabetic?"
Rainforests.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Copier advice.
The printer ate his money.
Microfilm reader advice.
Camus, existentialism, and The stranger. They're all checked out. "Must be the french class."
Dan Brown books
Lit crit on Crime and Punishment and The sound and the fury.
Works by Charlotte Perkins Gilman.
John Milton.
Tape.
What a pain in the ass shift.

"Library Card Required to Use the Internet:" 14

In the Morning:

Fax.
Copier advice.
Lies women believe, by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, and A short guide to a happy life, by Anna Quindlen.
Multiple printer advice.
Special internet signup.
Someone's phone number.
Virginia Beach jobs.
A giggling senior citizen finds a "risque image" (manga drawing of a girl) on her computer.
Criss-cross.
Printer advice.
They'll look up your barcode at the circ desk, sir.
I leave the desk for a pointless meeting. I return.
Restroom?
Phone number lookup.
"Can I leave two kids in the children's section while I do a cover letter?"
You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Blood and oil, by Manucher Farmanfarmaian, Daughter of Persia, by Sattareh Farman Farmaian, and Desert Queen, by Janet Wallach.
"I need the estimated forms."

Type Your Barcode There, Sir: 6

In the Morning:

Reboot.
"Is Librarian Q there?"
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown, and Give me a break, by John Stossel.
"Hamlet, Macbeth, and just plain Shakespeare."
State Tax form.
1956 obit.
Missing floppy found.
You can renew your card at circ, ma'am.
You can get a card at circ, ma'am.
They're irate because I don't know what tax form they need.
I reset an online catalog.
Lit crit for Lord of the flies and The catcher in the rye.
Click there, sir.
Reviews of Pet Sematary.
You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Contact info for Kappa Publishing.
Is city hall open today?

Times I Explain the New Internet Signup Procedure: 8

In the Morning:

Stapler.
The printer eats some money.
Stapler.
You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Yesterday's paper.
I proctor an exam.
Computer workshop info.
Printer advice.
1996 NEC code. He must take it home with him. He must.
Here's how you log off the computer, sir.
Microfilm lecture.
Library cards at circ, sir.
You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Morningstar.
The weather for September 28, 2003.
Stalker, by Faye Kellerman.
Reboot.
It's not your fault that the Salvation Army email address is wrong, sir.
Three reboots.
No library card, no computer, ma'am.
Voter registration.
Tax forms 2688 and 4868.
Ancient Egypt articles online.
Fax.
If it keeps crashing your browser, ma'am, I wouldn't visit that site.
Reboot. A whole bunch of them, in fact.
A whole bunch of people butting into line.

In the Afternoon:

Reboot.
Rats, by Robert Sullivan, Lone star nation, by H. W. Brands, Night of the radishes, by Sandra Benitez, and The pecking order, by Dalton Conley.
You can't log back on because you've used up your time, sir.
Library cards at the front desk, sir.
Lesko books.
A book which doesn't exist.
Computer workshop schedule.
They'll stamp that at the front desk, sir.
Library cards at the front desk, ma'am.
They'll look up your barcode at the front desk, ma'am.
Weekend paper.
Why don't you put those books on that cart over there, rather than dumping them on my counter?
Reboot.
You didn't have to sign in two months ago because we didn't use this system two months ago.
9/11 books.
The value of her EE bonds.
Printer advice.
Pencil.
Pencil.
She takes the screaming baby into the stacks but we can all still hear it.
Circ will sell you a floppy, ma'am.
Tax counselling information.
Today's papers.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
I don't know how your insurance company's webpage is arranged, ma'am. I've never been there.
I should forgive, but, by Chuck Lynch.

Use Your Library Card to Sign In: 22

In the Morning:

Copier advice.
Tax forms?
Men's room?
Dead floppy.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
A circ lady asks me if someone is on a computer.
Word templates.
Whoops, that page isn't work-safe.
Word templates comfuse her.
Reboot, reboot.
Drawing books.
Copier advice.
Bus schedules.
My computer crashes. Twice.

In the Afternoon:

Copier advice.
Our new computer software is already acting goofy. It doesn't help that we don't know quite how to use it.
Blue is for nightmares, by Laurie Faria Stolarz.
Lots of books on Hamlet.
Biographies?
Critical essays on Half a life, by V. S. Naipaul, but she can't use online sources.
Librarian Z, whom I am covering the desk for, returns. I leave.

New internet software explanations: 7

In the Morning:

Today we introduce a new internet use policy. They must have a library card. They get one hour. This is in response to our no ID needed, unlimited time policy, which was a disaster, with many, many complaints.

Less than a minute into the shift I get my first complaint about the new system, a lady who lost a few minutes because of a printer snafu: "You mean you can't give me extra time after your incompetence?"

Just as we expected.

Fax.
1991 Dodge Spirit repair manual.
We're out of the state 1040s so we print them out on demand.
Notarization.
Stapler.
State 1040.
Notarization.
Local map.
Religious education books and videos.
You can get a library card at the front desk, ma'am.
Pain free, by Pete egoscue with Roger Gittiness, and The power of now, by Eckhart Tolle.
Sure your bar code works, sir. Let me show you ...
Local genealogical society contact info.

We have a new internet signup system, sir or ma'am: 11

In the Evening:

Sunday's paper.
The Barefoot Contessa cookbook, by Ina Garten.
Once a king, always a king, by Reymundo Sanchez.
On the down low, by James L. King and E. Lynn Harris.
Copier advice.
Bathroom?
They'll break a fiver at the front desk, sir.
Bathroom?
Notarization. They ask me what the form is all about. I have no idea.
Reboot.
Debit card use lecture.
And another.
"Do I put the card in this way?"
The house of Dies Drear, by Virginia Hamilton.
GED books.
Reboot.
Off the machine, kid.
"Do you have a cart to put books we have pulled?"
Five kids at one internet terminal, doing an inmate search. "He got six years." "Naw, he got four ..."
Phone book.
Mozart's 40th on a cell phone ringer just isn't the same.
Books on the Titanic.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
Control-Alt-Delete twenty times.
Heart of soul, by Elina and Leah Furman.
I download a state tax form.
A college guidebook I can't locate.
Family portrait photography, by Helen T. Boursier, and Location portraiture of families and executives, by Van W. and Pam C. Frazier.
Voter registration.
Printer advice.
Faulty debit card.
How to send an attachment.
Printer advice.
Insomnia.
Malcolm X.
Copier advice.
Books on Crystal Reports.

In the Morning:

Broken dollar bill changer.
Healthcare infomatics.
Microfilm reader lecture.
Dispatches, by Michael Herr.
Bruce Lee books.
The newspaper microfilm is self serve, but some patrons insist I do it for them.
Wolves of the Calla, by Stephen King, on tape.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Auto body painting.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Two annoying cell phone ringers at once.
Envelopes?
Directions to a mall.
Our city's street numbering system.
Our hours tomorrow.
Today's paper.
Microfilm reader lecture.
"I'm computer illiterate ..."
Books by Jack London, "or any book by an American writer."
We have some tax forms, ma'am, but not all of them.
I tell him over and over again that I can't look up his patron record or tell if his barcode's expired. He stands there holding out the card at me.
Bulldozer repair.
Don't run!

In the Afternoon:

They'll sell you a disk at the front desk, ma'am.
He got a replacement card and wonders why the money balance on it wasn't carried forward on the new card. Some people are cheap.
Copier advice.
Foreign Services Officer exams.
An email attachment won't open.
"My computer froze."
Sorry, sir, you can't access that database from home without a library card.
Bloom's notes for Dickens.
1977 phone book. A prop for a play.
The secret epidemic, by Jacob Levenson. I thought I had already ILL'd this book for this patron. To make sure, for the first time, I used my own blog as a reference source.
Copier advice.
Another patron shocked by our printer policy.
His Word toolbars have vanished. He wants them back.
The perfect wife, by Ann Gerhart.
Printer advice.
Who keeps transferring circ goofups to me?
Napoleon.
The inevitable big problem with his Word document five minutes before closing.
Celia Cruz books.

In the Morning:

The omega-3 connection, by Andrew L. Stoll.
No ma'am, switching from '98 to XP isn't that hard.
Reboot.
Book discussion group info.
Where to find Air America locally.
Printer advice.
Obits from way back.
How to get a debit card here.
Info on an old vocational school that used to be downtown.
Fax.
Nearby library's phone.
Sharpening made easy, by Paul Bottorff.
Some child custody form 2-1401. "They said the library has it."

In the Afternoon:

Today's paper.
Naughty or nice, by Eric Jerome Dickey.
She doesn't have time to download her tax form.
Books on Word.
Another tax form.
Yesterday's paper.
Yesterday's Wall Street journal.
Roman Italy, by T. W. Potter, and Romans on the Bay of Naples, by John H. D'Arms.
1993 Chevrolet Cube Van repair manual.
He left all his tax stuff with the tax counselors, and now they're gone.
Stapler.
That's not an internet terminal, sir. That's a card catalog.
Another old man at a loss with the internet and expecting an instant class.
More impatience with our obviously incompentent internet policy.
Copier advice.
There's an online catalog you can use, sir.
I go to a pointless, depressing meeting. I come back.
Copier advice.
The zone, by Barry Sears.
Press enter, sir.
The kids section is downstairs, sir.
Stamp price guides.
Louis Armstrong.
1040X
Computer workshop schedule.
"Stong black novels, like Martin Luther King. You know: war. African-Americans. Race. War books ..." This is an adult speaking.

In the Morning:

"My recipe isn't turning out right."
"The microfilm drawers are locked." No they're not.
"Does this town have a museum?"
Small business books.
PRinter advice.
Garbage can?
Garbage can?
Sorry sir, those are reference books and you can't check them out.
Fiction is over there, sir.
Children of trauma, by Jane Middleton-Moz.
Computer workshop schedule.
"My husband says you have books on computers?"
"I need a book by an American writer." Where are these teachers coming from?
How to do an email.
It's my fault when I can't find "memo style" in Word.
Fax to Spain ... which won't go through.
A flurry of people asking for computers or how to do email.
1996 obit.

In the Afternoon:

Reboot.
They want to put up a flyer.
Today's paper.
Lady, turn the damn knob and you'll get to the next page of the paper.
Urban legends.
Dictionaries and Thesauri he can check out.
Yesterday a librarian helped her find a reference book on the Compromise of 1850. "It's green."
BOCA 1996.
Fax.
"You do my taxes?"
Doris Lessing.
Don't run!
Herpes.
Nearby phone book.
Local church phone.
No, the tax people who volunteer downstairs don't charge, sir. I don't care what website you visited.
She forgot her password.
"Gospel books" for an escorted group of mentally challenged.
I am effusively thanked for help I gave last week.
She can't figure out how to sign in to VH1.
Fire trucks, books about Dracula, and later, police cars.

In the Afternoon:

Printer advice.
Printer advice.
Norman Rockwell.
Pencil.
Dreams.
Printer advice.
Criss-cross.
The pigman, by Paul Zindel.
Get a library card at the circ desk, sir.
You could return our book to another library, but I wouldn't recommend it.
Legal seperation.
Books in Italian and Spanish.
"Is there a math tutor in the house."
Spanish grammar.
Printer advice.
A farewell to arms, by Ernest Hemingway.
Yearbooks from the fifties.
"How are you on research?" I nearly cringe.
Treaty at Doona, by Anne McCaffrey and Jody Lynn Nye.
Fun with Acrobat's update mechanism.
A gynocologist's second opinion, by William H. Parker with Rachel L. Parker.
Computer workshop info.
Local physician referral, though it takes him several bad explanations before he can make that clear.

In the Evening:

Two old men with no internet experience.
Info on McDonalds in Asia.
Printer advice.
English grammar tapes.
That's okay, ma'am, we'll reshelve it for you.
The secret epidemic, by Jacob Levenson.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Did we put Rich dad, poor dad on hold for this lady? Did we ILL it? Nobody knows, and we can't find the item.
We're moving to a new internet signup system (with timers) next week, but that's not making anybody happy this week.
The art of war, by Sun Tzu.
Cesar Chavez. I look up the boxer by mistake.
Techie X and I discuss favorite radio sites: WOXY, DFM, and WNUR.
Rosa Bonheur.
Pencil.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.

In the Afternoon:

Stapler.
Law library phone number.
Computer workshop info.
Printer advice.
There's an online catalog right over there, sir.
The two-income trap, by Elizabeth Warren and Amelia Warren Tyagi.
Today's paper.
When is spring break?
Copier advice.
Cold sassy tree, by Olive Anne Burns.
Real estate exam books.
A kid's librarian hands me something to throw away.
Just press enter, ma'am.

In the Evening:

Every public computer develops its own unique problem at once.
Biographical sketches of Condoleezza Rice, Colin Powell, and Jesse Jackson.
Sorry, ma'am, your daughter is too young to use the internet terminals up here.
"My computer's broke." Sigh.
Copier advice.
"The printer won't ... er ..."
Dandelion wine, by Ray Bradbury.
Printer advice.
3-hole punch.
"My computer is saying it'd like to do an illegal operation."
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
"Mumble-mumble-mumble-pen?"
My bloody life, and Once a king, always a king, by Reymundo Sanchez.
Newspapers last week, for an obit.
U.S. road atlas.
"Can you hold this for me while I'm in the bathroom?"
This patron is going to keep asking us for tax advice until we wear down.
More newspapers.
"Something is wrong with that computer."
Printer advice.
Sorry sir, they don't let me renew ILLs.
They'll sell you a floppy at the front desk, sir.
"Can you hold this for me again?"
Copier advice.

In the Afternoon:

The doors open. God, it's like a swarm.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Ida B. Wells.
Area parks.
Local history books.
Why is her brother in jail, and why did another guy have his green card "deported?"
Saturday's paper.
Printer advice.
Weekend paper.
"How do I look for jobs on the internet?"
Runaway jury on DVD.
Today's paper.
The only available Zane book is the one she doesn't want. We do better with Omar Tyree.
Books by Queen Afua.
Play piano in a flash, by Scott Houston.
Nah, your computer isn't frozen, sir.
Snakes, at least that's what he claims to want when I spot him lounging in the stacks with his buddy, pulling out books at random.
Plants, so his buddy claims.
Monet.
Wuaw-wuaw-wuaw-wuaw-wuaw-wuaw-wuaw, says the boy, over and over and over. I finally go over and tell him to shut up. "My sister was about to throw bread."
He doesn't ask. He just takes the stapler.
Dona nobis pacem, by Ralph Vaughan Williams.
Today's paper.
"What are your hours today?"
Google is one of many search engines, sir. You don't have to use it.
1040 EZ
Typewriter? Sorry, not here.
Chicken soup for the teenage soul II, and those Pelzer books.
Is "Imparse" a word (though she doesn't know the actual spelling, let alone the meaning)?
Printer advice.

In the Afternoon:

A film called "The good, the bad, and the evil," which I cannot locate in my five minute window of opportunity.
Accounting books.
No cell phones, ma'am.
Shut up, kids.
I warned you. Get off the machines (I am then thanked by another user).
Tax counseling info.
Do you want to use the program Microsoft Word, or do you want books on it, or what, ma'am?
Sorry ma'am, no one has signed up for the workshop you're conducting yet.
I chat with a patron about broadband while he waits for a fax to go through.
How much money will it cost him to print a 42-page document?
A two year-old book with a New Book sticker.
Pencil and paper.

In the Morning:

County jobs.
The internet terminals are all full. Don't blame me, ma'am.
My comuter is making a chugging noise.
Printer advice.
State tax form.
Fax.
They'll stamp that at circ, sir.
I proctor.
"Can I print out my bill on these computers?"
Incorporation data for a nearby town.
Yesterday's paper.
Printer advice.
When I say no, I feel guilty, by Manuel J. Smith, Mirror, mask, and shadow, by Sheldon B. Kopp, and Children of trauma, ed. Thomas W. Miller.
Pregnancy books.
Press enter, sir.
Printer advice.
Two notarizations.
Books on fixing credit. We're out.
Medical books. That's all he'll say.
That's not an internet terminal, sir. That's a card catalog.
Two more notarizations. Some documents don't really need it, but it looks official, and it's free.
Bus schedules.
1985 Toyota Corolla repair manual.

In the Afternoon:

The second ref computer is being fixed, so I stand around wondering what to do.
Printer reset.
Computer workshop schedule.
"Anyone getting off the computer?" she shouts.
Books on car crashes.
Want ads.
Books by Maya Angelou.
Don't yell.
Reboot.
Computers with Word are over there, ma'am.
Indiana travel.
Techie X returns with the second computer. All my bookmarks are gone.
State tax forms.
Books of questions.
"African tribal culture." Where do we get these teachers?
Today's paper.
Another internet policy complaint. I love it when they sigh.
You don't need a debit card if you have a library card, kid.

In the Morning:

"It won't print."
More printer advice.
Scratch paper.
Nursing exam books.
City housing guide.
Lifetime encyclopedia of letters, by Harold B. Meyer.
"It won't go to Yahoo. It just sits there."
Computer workshop schedule.
ASVAB books.
"How do I erase all this stuff?"
Books on photography and prostrate cancer.
"I want to print out my credit report."
Fax.

In the Afternoon:

Where's the Mexican consulate?
Printer advice.
Rich dad, poor dad, by Robert Kiyosaki.
A big family at one tiny computer.
Sorry sir, when an inmate is released they remove him from the database.
He's delighted to find that we have graphic novels and thanks me over and over.
3-hole punch.
Copier advice.
What you have there is not an email address, sir.
Bathroom?
I leave to conduct a workshop. No one shows up. I return.
State tax forms.
The sexy years, by Suzanne Somers.
Jamaica.
The patron has been transferred twice. I transfer him again.
The third degree, by James Patterson and Andrew Gross, and The amateur marriage, by Anne Tyler.

In the Evening:

STDs
Copier advice.
Foreign Service Exam book.
Pictures of atomic blasts.
Copier advice.
Lost cell phone. The directions are in Spanish. But one of the directory entries is "Mi Casa."
Massachusetts tax forms.
David Beckham.
Geez it's loud in here tonight.
My microfilm reader lecture.
CDs are downstairs, ma'am.
Dictionary.
Copier advice.
Rewinding the microfilm.
Copier advice (reducing).
Lost floppy is found.
Newspapers. "All of them."
My bloody life, by Reymundo Sanchez.
Poetry books in English or Spanish.
Basic computer books in Spanish.
Eddie Murphy.

In the Afternoon:

George Orwell.
The raven, by Edgar Allen Poe, "with footnotes explaining the old english."
Sorry sir, you can't attach headphones to our computers.
County Clerk's office. She thought this WAS the County Clerk's office.
Word 5.0 for the Mac.
WPs are over there, ma'am.
Librarian Y is sick. I leave to cover her workshop.

In the Evening:

Games and "books of affirmations."
Printer advice.
IE freezes up.
Harriet Tubman.
That's not a book ma'am. That's a journal article.
Billie Holiday.
They'll make change at the front desk, ma'am.
Pictures of Gwen Stefani.
IE freezes.
Copier advice.
"We need a river."
"Stuff" about the Constitution.
Computer workshop info.
The great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald. Also Cliff's notes.
Acrobat's update feature has an annoying habit of hiding behind the browser window so you can't see it, but it won't let you use the browser until you click on it.
Debit card machine info.
I know I've heard that phone ringer tune before but I can't place it. It's driving me crazy.
She searches for an obit. She doesn't have the date.
I remember the tune now! It was something from NFL films (not "Drunken sailor").
Another "the last page it printed is blank!" lament.
The will, by "Arvin Reed."
A list of all who died on 9/11.
He gets pissed because he can't work his debit card.

In the Afternoon:

The new copier is so cunning no one can figure out where the paper comes out.
Fax.
Try the kids section, ma'am.
Another fax, which takes 15 minutes. This isn't working too well ...
Like water for chocolate on video.
My bloody life, by Reymundo Sanchez.
"Hello, excellent reference staff!" she says but, happily, passes by without asking a question.
Local history books, especially about the trolleys.
Obesity.
Printer advice.
Get off that cell phone, sir (at least it didn't have a stupid ring noise, just a loud one).
A patron tells us all about the state boys basketball finals.
Another patron fooled by the copier.
Printer advice.
That's it. Thank goodness.

In the Morning:

I should have called in sick again today ...
Jim Crow laws.
Reboot.
I do a fax.
ILL snafu.
State tax form.
Printer advice for the same patron for the umpteenth time.
Sunday's classifieds.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown, on tape.
Sorry sir, you need proof of residence if you want to register to vote.
Missing floppy.
Printer advice.
"Are those computers for jobs?"
Yes sir, you logged out correctly.
A two year-old has escaped.
The brotherhood, by Stephen Knight.
Coaching basketball.
An overdue book question comes to me.
Reboot.
Sorry sir, no laminating here.
Copier advice.
The gospel according to Harry Potter and What's a christian to do with Harry Potter? by Connie Neal, and God, the Devil, and Harry Potter, by John Killinger.
Irate patron. I knew I should have called in sick ...

In the Afternoon:

Vatican City travel books, and stuff on Catholicism.
Bathroom?
Althea Gibson.
Missing floppy.
1987 issue of Time.
Bruce Lee.
California blue, by David Klass.
Printer advice.
Drinking fountain in the lobby, sir.
WPs are over there, sir.
Copier's over there, sir.
Computer workshop advice.
He checks again for his lost floppy.
Furniture staining.
Books by E Lynn Harris.
Holds at circ, sir.
Fax. I don't like our new service at all.
Driving directions.
A stangling noise and a thump from one of the study rooms. It's a good thing from my angle I can't see what's going on.
That's a library catalog, sir, not an internet terminal.
Blues from down deep, by Gwynne Forster.
The books of blood, by Clive Barker.
That's a library catalog, ma'am, not an internet terminal. Sigh.
Computer workshop info.
Books about Clive Barker, a hard man to find.

In the Afternoon:

Sunday's paper.
"Free money to change your life, by Mathew Lesko.
Biographies.
He's enjoying the BBC Hitchhiker's guide, but wants to know if it will tell him the question of life, the universe, etc.
Tax forms.
1989 Chevrolet Corvette repair manual.
State tax form.
Through a quick turn to pretend to straighten the newspapers I manage to avoid dealing with a certain patron.
Stapler.
Criss-cross.
Certainly you can print that, sir.
She claims we have an audioCD of Great expectations. I insist we don't. ... She is right.
Yearbooks.
Disks are fifty cents, sir.
A phone transfer goes awry.
Phone book.
More yearbooks. She takes my name when I tell her we don't have those years.

In the Evening:

My head is killing me.
Paul Klee.
Too young for the computers.
You can view the text larger, but you can't print it larger.
We close at nine, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Choose any machine you want, ma'am.
WPs are over there, sir.
Bad CD drive.
Books by Shel Silverstein, but for adults.
Mortgage loan something-or-other.
Parole violators for a presentation due tomorrow.
Our drives snarl at another patron's disk.
It takes me ten minutes to do a two-sided copy.
The Symbionese Liberation Army.
Printer advice.
Microfilm having to do with Patty Hearst.
English/Spanish dictionaries.
The front desk will make change, sir.
Microfilm machine advice.
Her email login isn't working.
Form 2106.
Lots of opera, but the score? Libretto? She doesn't know.

I was supposed to be on desk this afternoon but a scheduling mixup kept me in my office, and I feel fine. Have a good weekend.

In the Morning:

Automatic transmission books.
Consumer legal guides (her automatic transmission died--different patron).
Status of an ILL he requested yesterday.
Book discussion group books for another library.
Building a home bar.
They'll stamp your parking ticket at circ, sir.
He's sitting at a computer and not using it, while others wait. He gets pissed when I tell him to move.
Social Security office.
Local Rotary club.
"Jet books."
Real estate exams.
Book discussion group books for our library.
Computer workshop info.
FAFSA forms.
Does another library have the same microfilm as we do? Do they have their own? And countless other microfilm questions.
Our machines don't like her floppy.
Bathroom?
ASVAB books.
Small business books.
Microfilm printer advice.
"Can you teach me how to work a computer?"
Copier advice.
Printer advice.
"Do you think I can find a career on these internets?"
Bound feet and western dress, by Pang-Mei Natasha Chang.
Adding an image to her Yahoo profile.
Math books.
"Business manager salaries?"
State tax form.
Printer advice.

In the Afternoon

Copier advice.
Printer advice.
The great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald (Cliff's notes).
Dream sewing spaces, by Lynette Ranney Black.
The ultimate weight solution, by Phil McGraw, Superfoods, by Steven G. Pratt and Kathy Matthews, and Audrey Hepburn, by Sean Hepburn Ferrer.
Our copier/printer rates are going up. I put up signs for the patrons to ignore.
Local chiropractor.
Do we buy books for teachers?
She's here to pick up books chosen by high schoolers. Wha?
Kid's section is downstairs.
Whoops, that site isn't too work friendly.
Just press "enter," ma'am.
SARS.
Wahida Clark.
Pictures of the barrier reef.
A middle school teacher calls. It's local history project time again. Oh god.
If the cellphone has to play "Hall of the mountain king," the least they could do is get the notes right.
Exam proctor question.
Sunday's paper.
History of Barbie.
Microfilm is over there, ma'am.
Johnny Tremain, by esther Forbes, on audio.
We just started offering fax service today, and already people are calling up and stopping by.