In the Morning:

Yellow pages for a state.
A patron is starting a genealogy project.
Algebra books.
We're still having an occasional network problem.
1960-61 city directories and yearbooks.
No ID? No internet.
Naked Empire, by Terry Goodkind.
Computer crash.
Nearby zip code.
Books by J. California Cooper.
I gave her the wrong zip code!
Server reboot, and I'm turning patrons away again.
Culture and Psychology, by David Matsumoto.
Computer freezup.
Sorry, sir, no headphones for computers.
Newspaper back issues.
God is up to something great, by Tony Evans.
More rebooting.
Part of the network works, part doesn't.
Copier advice (Turn the paper sideways, ma'am).
Guys, keep it down, please.
"Do you work here? I need two copies of these."
Alcohol and drug abuse books.
Cost per oz. of platinum in 1979.

In the Afternoon:

Why is our Internet signup guy giving a patron grammar advice?
Don't run!
Sorry, we don't have your sunglasses at this desk, ma'am.
ILL followup.
Don't run!
We don't have your sunglasses, I promise you.
And then there were none, by Agatha Christie.
Daughters of the dust on DVD.
Techie Y stops by to mutter something in the tongue of his people. He vanishes and the server goes down.
Today's paper.
Last sunday's paper.
Copier advice (Turn the paper sideways, sir, no, not that way ... no ... that way ... no, the way you had it before ...)
We have more online catalogs over there, ma'am.
You have to be high school age to use the computers ... and don't run!
Sept 5 paper.
"How many CDs can you check out at one time?" This is an English class assignment.
The piano tuner, by Daniel Mason.
Oops, we actually do have those sunglasses.
Books on becoming an electrician.
Out of the stacks, kids.
A biography of Thomas Hobbes, also Leviathan, which was surprisingly hard to find in paper form ...
Librarian Y wants to know if it is raining. I suggest she look out the window. She says she is afraid to.
Magic tricks.
Kelley blue book web address.
The coldest winter ever, by Sister Souljah.

Internet Signups: 34

The network is up, but buggy.

In the Morning:

I get whined at because the network crashed again.
Bathroom.
"What do you do with your old computers?"
The network is back up. I wave at patrons who are sullenly walking toward the exit.
Resume templates.
The five people you meet in heaven, by Mitch Albom.
Yesterday's paper.
Yesterday's paper.
Computer crash.
Broadway bound, by Neil Simon.
The Do not call registry phone number.
Librarian X is looking at cat care books. A patron announces that "all cats are evil," and giggles.
Driven to distraction, by Edward M. Hallowell.
Yesterday's paper.
"Are the computers up today?"
CLEP books in spanish.
He somehow messes up his screen resolution.
Front desk will make change, sir.
Local paper for 1982 on microfilm, plus a quick course on loading the reader.

In the Afternoon:

"Is Librarian X there?"
Sorry, ma'am, but two years is too much newspaper for us to search.
1988 Oldsmobile Delta 88 repair manual.
Tissue.
Computer freeze-up.
Books on Richard Wagner, and more books on Richard Wagner.
Where can he plug in his laptop?
Tree identification books.
Books on Haiti and Vodou, but for a change this isn't a kid looking to put a curse on somebody.
Didn't I ILL that book for you yesterday?
Videos are downstairs, ma'am.
"I've written two novels. This new one's 582 pages handwritten."
He was about to send a lot of fee money to "Hilltop Records" to get his song recorded. Until I showed him a BBB report.
Computer workshop schedule.
Info on the career "Medical billing."
Harry potter and the order of the phoenix, by J. K. Rowling. He put a hold on it yesterday and
wonders if it's in.
A month's worth of local papers.

Internet Signups: 35

Our network is still down.

In the Morning:

Tape.
"Again?"
A couple of Wilmington, NC temp agency phone numbers.
Science fiction hardbacks are over there, ma'am.
"This is ridiculous! You go to an outside vendor? They should have known! This is a fucking public library! They can't do this! Who's the head librarian here?"
A list of all our Chicken soup books.
Phone book.
Phone numbers for lawyers in Pennsylvania who deal in lawsuits. He also wants contact info for the show Texas justice.
College catalogs.
Local organization of churches.
The greatest salesman in the world, by Og Mandino.
A followup on an ILL request.
Local tax form.
"You have tax forms going back to '01?"
El arte de echar las cartas 2, by Emilio Salas.
Sorry, ma'am. Today's paper hasn't arrived yet.
Books on "the healing power of colors."
Hsing yi chuan, by Liang Shou-Yu.
"Hex to decimal conversion table."

In the Afternoon:

My computer crashes.
Twice.
Scholarship forms.
Three kingdoms, trans. Moss
Roberts.
Local department of health.
Once is enough, by Miles Smeeton.
Our phone number, so she can call and find out if our computers are up rather than come in.
101 questions your dog would ask your vet, if your dog could talk, and The dog's mind, by Bruce Fogle; Jelly Bean versus Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, by C.W. Meisterfeld; and Dog Behavior, by Ian Dunbar.
Yes, sir, we received the exam we're proctoring for you.
They'll break a fiver at the front desk, ma'am.
Our library's web address.
The phobia word for fear of people.
Lady, shut the fuck up (I phrased it nicer than that).
Spanish language instruction on CD.
Yes, we ma'am, we do have computers for public use, however, today ...
Books on Frederico Garcia Lorca.
Today's paper.
A woman who discovered we had no computers looks like she was hit in the breadbasket.

Internet Heartbreaks: at least 15

Our public terminals are down today for a network upgrade.

In the Morning:

Gee, it's so quiet ...
Madame Secretary, by Madeleine Albright.
Love poetry.
"What day will the computers be available?"
My boss steals the only pen at the desk.
The copier will make change for you, ma'am. She later hands me a forgotten social security card. "This was superimposed on my copy." She is peeved.
County courthouse - adoption records.
Department of children and family services, but she hangs up before I can get the number.
"I want to open a business in this town and I need to know all about it."
"What time do we get computers?"
Dictionary.
A patron walks over to one of the blank computer screens and looks at it sadly.
Local chamber of commerce.
Price guide for old bottles.
"Can I use an Internet terminal?" Sorry.
"Not at all today?" Not at all today.
"Net's down today?" Yep.
Pencil.
"Internet, please." Sorry.
Two more patrons smile and hold out their ids ... I shake my head.
Local Chevrolet dealership.
"Excuse me, I need to print out a resume." Sigh.
A patron wants to know the status of two holds.
"Is there anywhere else around here that would have a computer?"
"The computers are down?" Yes. "Holy shit."
Which R. A. Salvatore book or series to read next ...
"Books on industrial electricity."
Another would-be netsurfer gives me a sad smile and wanders away ...
Bathroom.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.

In the Afternoon:

One patron gasps when I tell her the news.
The next one looks disgusted and says "Awww!"
Others just look disgusted.
"Aw, damn."
Librarian Y and I discuss how aching toes predict things.
"No wonder nobody's here!"
Another patron settles for old yearbooks.
Our spanish-speaking librarians are unavailable, but it's hard to explain that to the patrons. Librarian Y enlists a nearby patron to help.
"San Diego newspapers?"
Dictionary to check out.
"Books on drawing graffiti?" Sorry. "How about cars?"
Some patrons demand to know why, as if it is a conspiracy.
Today's paper.
One patron sees the empty computers and freezes, arms rigid at his sides, staring, mouth open.
The paper clip shortage continues, so I give her binder clips.
Some of our patrons grimace.
Sorry, sir. Not today.
"Do those computers works?" Not today.
"Damn, that's right. I forgot."
"Do you have the algebra II textbooks from school?"
Computer workshop information.
Today's paper.
Math books.
A small of wave of Latino authors kids need to look up.
Sorry, you can't check out cameras here.
The purpose driven life, by Richard Warren.
My bloody life, by Reymundo Sanchez.
Another kid with another name. It would help if he had the name right, or the country the man was from.
"I need an experiment by August Weisman." What field was he in? "Evolution. He did an experiment about Lamarck."
The origin of humankind, by Richard Leakey. She had found it on the shelf, but she was too short to reach it.
"Child support books. Legal stuff."
Sorry.
Sorry.

Number of times I broke a websurfer's heart: Please add up the ones listed here and add about twenty, if you care to know.

In the Afternoon:

Wait, wasn't I here yesterday? Whose idea was this?
Great, the network is down.
Now it's up, but the print server doesn't seem to like being here on a Sunday any more than I do.
Pencil.
Microsoft Office Suite, but he doesn't want to use it here; he wants to take it home.
Galileo's Daughter, by Dana Sobel.
Pencil.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
And still more ...
Cells.
A lot of printer resetting.
Poland, for his daughter.
This catalog terminal doesn't print, ma'am.
Printer advice.
Today's paper.
Another patron wonders why we let our ILL staff have weekends off.
Can I help you? "No."
They'll tell you how to get a card at the front desk. ... That desk over there ... Where those people are ... No, over there ...
Bleachers, by John Grisham.
Pregnancy books.
Australian culture.
Two pencils. Why two? I am suspicious but I give them to him. They are later returned.
"Can I save-as?"
She insists the the book title is "Where's my cheese." It takes a while to talk her out of it.
Online catalog reset.
Bathroom.
"Will anyone be here tomorrow to show me how to cut and paste?" Well, I won't.
She points to a paragraph in her textbook (having to do with "peoples of the southwest") and announces that she "needs the book ... in spanish."
Immigration department links and phone numbers.
Printer advice.
Pen.
I hate it when patrons at their computers wave for me
to come over like I'm a bloody waiter.
The printer is making a funny noise, but it still runs, so who cares?
Dictionary.
Printer advice.

Internet Signups: 30