In the Morning:

Does it count if someone asks for directions on your way to work?
Internet policy over the phone.
Press enter, sir.
"Ain't you got nothin' with Notepad or Wordpad?"
Financial aid books.
Upholstery books.
Pen and paper.
"Has this book reached the library yet, or do I gotta go to a bookstore?" (The Da Vinci code).
Cayman Islands.
Floor plans.
Today's paper.
Daddy cool, by Donald Goines.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
The server forgets about a 23-page document.
Consumer info on gas ranges and refridgerators.
Printer advice.
I play tech support for Compuserve, Windows, and whoever built the patron's CD/RW drive.
How to create an email acount.
"That man's been on his cell phone for thirty minutes."
Bel canto, by Anna Pratchett, and Absolute friends, by John Le Carre.

In the Afternoon:

Reboot.
"The lady said we could play music in here."
One thousand white women, by Jim Fergus.
Notarization.
FAFSA on the web.
Valueline.
We close at six, sir, and don't sneak up on me like that.
"You can print 1040s off the website?" Why are they so amazed?
Restroom. I told you not to sneak up on me.
Sorry, for the last time we're out of Lesko books.
Shut up!
WWII maps.
Last Sunday's paper.
Hinduism.
There's another copier downstairs, sir.
The combination of patron ignorance of computers and their desperate, clinging needs is driving me ... Sorry, I'm better now.
Bathroom.
Biopsies.
Blue screen of death.
Click there to place a hold, sir.
Can I help you? (click)
It's getting so I want to strangle even our most sane and reasonable patrons ...
(Sigh) No, sir press that button there.
"(giggle) I forgot how to print."
Can you narrow it down at all? We have a lot of "poetry."
"Can I download and print an Adobe .pdf document?" Later I have to tell him to click "print."
Dogs, the ultimate dictionaryh of over 1,000 breeds, by Desmond Morris.
"Is there a Kelley's for firearms?" I'll tell you, sir, if you shut that kid up (I didn't really say that).
Selena.
Auto body parts.

No Signup Dammit: 15

In the Morning:

That's a WP, sir, not an Internet terminal.
High school transcripts.
"I'm not very good at computers."
Printer advice.
That's an online catalog, sir, not an Internet terminal.
Printer advice, part 2.
"How do I get to the human resource offices?
GED books.
Printer advice, part 3.
Resume books.
Yesterday's paper.
"I need to find someone in jail on the computer."

In the Afternoon:

"You sell the little cases for floppy discs?"
"Where's my print job?"
Reboot.
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
"Books on making websites." Later: "Will these books show me how to make money?"
Sigh, that patron should know how to email by now ...
Stapler.
Cute doggy pictures which won't print.
How much snow we're going to get today (none).
Printer advice.
Shut up!
Reboot.
Holds at the front desk, ma'am.
Librarian Y is giving tax advice!
Floppies at the front desk, sir.
Books by John Nash, but the John Nashes I find aren't the right ones.
Sorry about your $75.00 fine, ma'am, but we don't deal with that here.
Sorry, sir, all the internet terminals seem to be taken.
A nearby library asks if we do voter registration.
We no longer have time limits for the machines, sir. They could sit there all day. Sorry.
I have the cell phone ringer tune stuck in my head. At least it's Mozart.
The printer is acting mysterious by not printing.
Yes, ma'am, we have I remember mama on video. "That's the movie and you put it in the machine, right?"
"But I don't want an email address!"
Ecuador.
WPs are over there, ma'am, but I think they're all taken.
Computer 7 might be open, sir, or it might not. We no longer know. We no longer sign people up.
Printer advice.
Printer advice.
"The computer says my IQ is 120, but what's that mean?"
Reboot.
The secret life of bees, by Sue Monk Kidd.
Printer advice x 3.
She wants to print a color copy of a b/w picture.
Essene Jesus, by E. B. Szekely.
Someone else might have taken your print job, ma'am. Sorry about the ten cents.
"Got any pictures of Eli Wiesel?"
The Da Vinci code, by Dan Brown.
A long search for a local charity.
Reboot.
Printer advice.
Can I help you? (He rolls his eyes and walks away)
A whole bunch of kids playing streaming audio, turn it down when I approach.
Reboot.
You'll have to wait for a computer, ma'am. Sorry.
Thank heavens it's slowing down.

Internet Non-Signups: 15

In the Morning:

Bathroom?
The copier can do two sided!
Automatic transmission books in spanish.
"Gothic poetry," other words he used include "Satanic" and "Depressing."
Don't run!
She walks by with cell phone in hand: "Hello? ...Hello? ...Hello?"
Mapquest can't find her city because it doesn't exist.
Copier advice.
The job website comes up for me but not for the patron.
Shut up, kids.
Papers from last week, and a pencil.
Anything new from Sister Souljah since The coldest winter ever?
"Excuse me, did you know the mouse is broke?"
Copier advice.
Copier advice (same guy).
Tina Modotti.

In the Afternoon:

Copier advice from Techie X.
"Madhouse, madhouse," mutters Librarian Y.
Copier advice (Don't use that machine, sir).
Don't run!
Sorry, ma'am, no fax.
1988 Lincoln repair manual.
Printer advice.
More printer advice.
He wants the creators and storyline for Annie.
Pencil.
They want the state as well as the zip code, sir.

No Signup, Sir or Ma'am: 17

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In the Afternoon:

I have to see your landlord sign it if I'm to notarize this form, sir.
WPs are over there.
Click on the icon with the blue "W."
Books on South Africa with pictures.
Adding bullets to a document.
Adding an address to her address book.
Computer workshop schedule.
There's only one attachment to that email, sir.
Copier advice for the loudest patron in the world.
State tax form.
Stapler.
Scholarship form.
I readjust a patron's monitor screen.
City directories.
Copier advice.
I693 forms.
Variorum Macbeth. "You got any Variorums?"
Scanner.
Copier advice.
Printer advice.
You need an email address so they can contact you , sir.
"Do you have Microsoft WordPerfect?"
Sylvia Brown books but which one?
"No more Internet signup? Is this your new year resolution?" Sure, whatever, buddy.

In the Evening:

"Can you copy onto overhead paper?"
Valueline.
I reboot the print server.
Crossing borders, by Rigoberta Menchu, The fight in the fields, by Susan Ferriss, Reading Lolita in Tehran, by Azar Nafisi, and Hope dies last, by Studs Terkel.
A blue screen of death and a dead keyboard.
Dark justice, by Karen Farrington.
"You got a color printer?"
Pencil.
Computer freezup.
Three different machines and we still can't load his images.
Computer freezup in the middle of her chat session.
"Fish."
Stapler.
"I need a word that means 'disorganized' and sounds like 'deecombooloolate.'"
Papers from November.
Copier advice.
A patron phones from half a continent away for the Today's special series.
Two patrons five feet apart are chatting online.
Copier advice.
Change for the debit card machine.
A floppy crashes two machines ... again. We suspect it's a WordXP vs Word98 problem.
Pencil.
He wants me to print out the Oakland A's roster again.
I break up a party of kids at one internet terminal. "She's looking at skanky dyke porn!"

No More Signups: 19

In the Afternoon:

Pencil.
A patron has a seizure, the third in this library in a month.
Fire codes.
Pencil.
You check out books at the front desk, ma'am.
Books on Word, Excel and Powerpoint.
Guitar player back issues.
Breast cancer.
"I checked out two books last week. Can I check out two more?"
Spanish dictionary.
Can I help you? "No."
"I need a program to view jpeg images."
Washroom?
Where to mail her tax forms.
The patron who always asks for today's paper and sighs dramatically if we don't have it.
Should he permit html in his email?
Sexually transmitted diseases.
Techie X, the security guy and I discuss crazy patrons we have known.
Books by Bill Pearl and Jack Lalanne.
We close early because of the snow.

Times I tell patrons that we don't do internet signups anymore: 14