In the Afternoon:

The greatest saleman in the world, by Og Mandino.
Then a real salesman calls and asks questions about our microfilm machines before trying to sell us crap.
Printer reset.
Cut and paste.
Six days of war, by Michael B. Oren.
Tape.
ILL snafu.
Librarian R. is taking far too long sending a fax.
The magic christian, starring Peter Sellers and Ringo Starr. While the patron recites his barcode he switches to Spanish, because "I'm learning it." I guess I was supposed to laugh or something.
Stapler.
Books by Heather Smith Thomas.
A patron gets tired of waiting on the phone.
Copier advice.
Just walk over to a machine and type in your barcode, sir ... Well, you do need a library card.
Just type your barcode ...
Copier advice.
Local Avon rep.
Phone book.
The plotline of Angels and Demons, by Dan Brown.
Today's paper.
Yesterday's paper.
Other papers from today.
Today's paper.
Type your barcode ...

In the Morning:

Yup, you need a library card to use the computers.
I say it again.
Sigh, and again.
Yes we have some 1880s newspapers on microfilm, sir.
"When's the next Harry Potter book coming out?"
Type your libary barcode there, sir.
"You gotta help me on the internet because I'm kinda legally blind."
You need a library card, sir.

In the Afternoon:

"I need the phone number to Microsoft Word."
The coldest winter ever, by Sister Souljah.
Today's paper.
He's worried that he performed an "illegal operation." I reassure him. Meanwhile another patron barges ahead of him. "Where are the sports books?"
You need a library card, ma'am.
Paralegal careers.
Just type your card number there, ma'am.
She can't get the VH1 page to load.

In the Evening

"Where's this?"
How to save.
"Drugs." I think he's on them.
"I thought the copier was a change machine and it ate my dollar."
JFK.
Your session is over, sir.
Type your barcode there, ma'am.
Fiction is over there."
"Music." Can you narrow it down? "... Music."
"I'm going to need assistance with the computer."
Printer advice.
Eloise Greenfield.
Legal books.
Reboot.
Human resources development.
I reset two machines.
Computer workshop schedule.
Maya Angelou.
"Can I see this pencil?"
Maps of Europe in 1914.
Another reset.
Newspapers from April.
Manatees.
That's not an internet terminal, ma'am. That's an online catalog.
I repeat the above for another patron.
Randall Jarrell.
His images are too big to fit on his Black Planet profile.
I wish Acrobat would stop trying to upgrade itself.
Pictures of jazz instruments.
Ourselves to know, by John O'hara. The patron goes on about how he's a distant relative.
LSAT books.
Word advice.
Lots of whining because she can't find her card.
Oedipus Anne, by Diana Hume George, and Anne Sexton, by Diane Middlebrook.
I am told our new computer system is a ripoff.
I reset the printer.
He's lost his ID and other stuff. ... No he didn't.
Nuts! by Kevin and Jackie Freiberg.
South Beach Diet books.

In the Evening:

Sorry, ma'am, you can't take the newspaper out of the library.
Sorry, ma'am, we have no place for you to leave flyers.
Toady's paper.
How to copy legal size.
Puerto Rico and Mexico.
Gays and the church.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Reboot.
You pick up books at the circ desk, kid.
Street gangs.
India.
Matthew Lesko books.
Much advice on A: drives, networks and printers. I don't think the patron understood a word.
Microsoft and ADO and Access. He keeps staring at us even after we've shown him everything.
Tiling, then bathrooms, cabinets and dry wall.
The computer guy still won't go away.
"Can I draw pictures on microsoft?" (Not the computer guy)
"Will you sharpen this pencil for me, please."
Printer advice.
Pre-GED math videos.
Two reboots, a lost document and a saved one.
Phone number to Soldier Field.
Apes, for her grandson. Happily the kid shows up and narrows it down to Orangutans.
Surely I'll hold onto this copy of Poet's market for you, if you give me your phone number (I didn't really say that).
The jacket, by Andrew Clements.

In the Morning:

The copy machine downstairs still works, sir. ... Whoops, no it doesn't.
City directory.
Black girl lost, by Donald Goines.
Sugar busters, by H. Leighton Steward et al.
They'll look up your number at the front desk, sir.
Avascular Necrosis.
1997 Plymouth Voyager repair manual.
She needs a librarian who can speak Spanish.
Phone number to a church.
Phone number for a cab.
State tax form.
I log in a guest internet user.
Math books.
Mexican Weddings and Catholicism.
Computer workshop schedule.
Shut up!
Printer advice, twice.
Sidney Sheldon books.
I said shut up!

In the Afternoon:

I relieve Librarian Y, who is muttering to herself. I think she had a busy shift.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
You need a library card to use the internet, sir.
I say it again, to a different patron, who is not happy with me.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Paul Laurence Dunbar.
She's looking for a quiet corner at 3:50 in the afternoon during the school year. Ha ha!
Printer advice.
Those machines over there have CD-ROM drives, sir.
Mary, Queen of Scots.
1993 Chevrolet Caprice repair manual.
"Poetry of John Updike." Also Billy Collins.
She can only narrow it down to "A Hispanic-American woman poet."
The old man says "You sure changed things around here."
Reboot.
Carl Sandburg.
Sandra Cisneros.
Emily Bronte.
How to get to another library catalog.
Emily Dickinson.
Edgar Allen Poe.
Smart women finish rich, by David Bach, and Mortgages for dummies, by Eric Tyson and Ray Brown.
Harlem Renaissance.
Reboot.
Reboot.
Tape and Scissors.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Reboot.
You can't use that paper in our printers, sir.
The computer isn't messed up, ma'am, the webpage is.
We close at nine, sir.
You can go downstairs without having to check out those books, sir.
Federico Garcia Lorca.
Bathroom?
Reboot.
Reboot.

Times I gave the library barcode speech: 4

In the Afternoon:

You need a library card to use the computers, sir.
Charles dickens.
No Bob Dylan, ma'am. I think you mean Dylan Thomas.
WPs are over there, sir.
Printer advice.
All our copiers are broken ma'am.
Medical dictionaries.
"Biographies of the Alamo."
Anne Sexton.
Spanish books.
Pencil.
Milwaukee phone book.
The printer ate his money.
Pencil.
Don't run!
Last week a cell phone did the "tocatta" part. Today another phone plays the "fugue" part.
Food pyramid on the internet.
Reboot.
Don't run!
The great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
I reset a printer.
The girl comes in for the Gatsby, but circ can't find where I put it.
Today's paper.
Reboot.
You need a library card, ma'am.
Don't run!
Don't run! (sigh)
I reset a printer.
That's the call number there, sir, and biographies are over there.
Capital punishment, books and two magazine articles please.
You can get a replacement card at the front desk, sir.
The communist manifesto, by Marx and Engels.
Printer problems and a reboot.
Don't run!
Press the print button, lady.
You didn't save your work? I have bad news for you.
Printer advice.
Reboot.
Kurt Vonnegut.
I show her how to get to the online databases a second time.
Sorry, sir. They shut off automatically. Nothing I can do.
State tax form. She has a terrible cough.

Times I say "Just Type In Your Barcode": 11